Ok Ive had a chance to chill out. I was able to tell RS about my day and I feel so much better. I was never able to share my day with my late husband without judgement. I love him very much. Yesterday, we looked at engagement rings together and measured my ring size. I tried my hardest to get him to be ok with the ones I liked but he kept saying they’re too cheap lol I would never want him to spend a lot on a ring! Just enough so that it is quality so it will last a long time. My other engagement ring was less than $500 and was fine for the 7 years I wore it. Aquamarine and white gold. I do not want a diamond for political and capitalistic reasons. Anyway, he knows what I like now. He kind of felt bad because he wanted to do it stealthily like you’re “supposed” to but I explained to him he might end up getting me something I hate because he doesn’t know my style. I wear zero jewelry, he’s got nothing to go on! He didn’t know where I kept my old wedding set.

Anyway I’m just happy we’re moving forward. I told him I will not dictate how/when to propose

As I said, I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when he said he wanted no more than 50 people at our wedding!!! I am actually going to have my dream wedding! My late husband controlled everything about our wedding. He invited practically everyone we knew, he made me get married in a church, he made me do the bouquet toss and garter removal (SO UNCOMFORTABLE). He even made me add two women to my bridal party to make it even! One I barely knew, and the other I couldn’t stand!

We will be able to get married in my dream venue (a botanical garden that is dear to my heart and has a beautiful old house to serve as the reception hall). And I will be able to cut out all the people I don’t want there by just saying we can only fit x people in the venue! And best of all the whole thing should be under 10k!

I am just very happy to finally have the life I wanted all along. No abuse, controlled mental illness, happy job, great father figure for my son...and in a few years we will even have a house of our own.