COPakeha-- First, let me say that this online forum has provided an avenue of being able to vent. My world is just like yours, except that I am one year into the aftermath of my ex wife's decision that her promise of forever had an expiration date. There is still a bittersweet taste in my mouth and my only answer for you is that time makes it somewhat easier, but I won't say it is a lot easier.

Like you, I don't have the luxury of many friends, in fact I have one friend that I can truly confide in. My biological family is constantly busy and life is constantly on a merry go round with me. My 7 year old daughter has tested my instinct of survival, since she absolutely doesn't want to be with me. I really, honestly don't know what has kept me going, other than the fact that I have a job. The routine of my job has made the hell that I feel somewhat bearable. I cannot recall how many layers of Hell Dante stated there were, but I have been to many layers and have yet to surface.

With COVID, my tumultuous life, you can bet you are not alone in pain. Know that there is one other person out there that silently weeps at night and has many, many regrets. I am with you and I wish I could be more positive for you, but the reality is that with my situation--melancholy rears its head.

Regarding counselors, I have tried counseling. Also, found it to be somewhat a waste like you. The good ones cost a lot of money, money that I don't have.

So, here I tell you...what you have is a free online forum to vent your frustration to the outside world. Once in a while, someone will respond to you. Know that you are not alone in your hell, for I am with you.

--Sarc