Its a lot to take in. You feel how you feel. I think its good that you're allowing yourself to explore your truth. Just take it in small bites if you can.

I think sometimes parents are still struggling with these questions themselves and don't do a good job of just owning up to that. I'm not justifying your parent's choices, but you were at least loved enough to know compassion and higher love in several forms. That is in a way spiritual depending on how you look at it. I also think its cool you're doing more for your children.

Don't be sorry, you know I have your back. Take some time away and let this mellow for a bit and then revisit it. You can unpack it in phases. I think it was Beth who reminded me its a game of intensity. We can do what we need to do, we just gotta be smart about how we do it. The love you feel from your God is eternal. There's no rush