how much pain... can one person endure?

I let myself..... forget the sacred rules... for just a short time... and I was once again hurt unbearably....

Why? I ask myself.. why... did you forget the rules? It is an alter that I am asking...(DID)... why?? why?? why?? did you allow all of us ... all alters get hurt because you forgot the rules...

No amount of wishing.. is going to make me not be DID... and being DID means... that sometimes.. "MY" life.. is going to be impacted by an alter.. that is within me... someone within me.. that I have no control over... that puts me in the position.. of being hurt... without my knowledge... without my consent... without... just without..

and.. I do want to scream... at her.. and say this is so so so unfair.. that I am feeling unbearable pain for something I did not do...

Yet to the rest of the world... I am unseen... I am not here... the world sees "my whole"... my person... and reacts... to what they see...
they do not see me.. hear me...

my unbendable rules..
1. never, ever trust anyone - not your sister, not your best friend, not your adult son... because in the end.. they will betray you..

2. everyone lies... and they lie to get what they want from you... and they lie to cover up..

3. never make friends.. with anyone... they leave... they die... the pain is not worth it...what you share.. is not worth the pain it brings..

4. charity... people will lie and take your very last dime.. they will use you.. and abuse you.. and you.. are left holding the bag..

5. I am alone... I will always be alone... and God intended for me to be alone... and.. that is that... period.. do not attempt to change... serious damage will be done.. if I do try to change that fact...

6. unacceptable - I am unacceptable in this life.. and should have been terminated as a baby... it would have been kinder to me.. than to have had to go thru as much pain as what I have...

7. I should have had the choice as a child.. to be terminated... or to have to go thru such unbearable pain... that lasts a lifetime.. it isn't fair.. that I was not given a choice...