I posted this elsewhere and got some really helpful replies, but am posting here too because I feel I need more input and, hopefully, support.

My husband of 15 years moved out a few weeks ago. We now see each other every few days or so and keep in daily contact. The situation was precipitated by a stressfull year of arguing and not getting through to each other about what we both wanted; he to realize himself fully, finally, and me - hmm, what did I want, for him to spend more time appreciating what we had together and relax into a more 'grown up' lifestyle, maybe. To have a child, buy a house, I don't even know anymore.

In any case, I pushed and pushed and finally pushed him so far that he collapsed into himself and left. I didn't really understand this strange break-up, as there was no plan about working our way back to each other or setting any sort of time scales - all things I read would be a good way to manage a temporary separation.

He has been dealing with some pretty big issues in the past year, apart from the fraying of our relationship, and I suppose I felt he was being selfish. He was, in some ways. But maybe it was time to focus on himself and had I understood him better and been more resourceful in myself I would have handled it better.

In any case, he is now 'depressed' and is at last going to seek counseling, afer years of talking about it. Which I think is wonderful. Some part of me wishes he'd been open to the idea of couples counseling when I suggested it, but he wasn't. Too depleted and probably too pressured by me.

I am now taking the advice of a wise woman on this site who suggests I be a friend first, try to love unconditionally, and not be hard on myself or my husband. I am trying to do this, but I'm finding it hard. I feel angry at my husband, sometimes, not all the time, at his self-involvement and his inability to give me any reassurance about our having a future together, or his even wanting that. He sais he loves me, but all else is a mystery to him.

I am trying to stay focused on the positives of this situation; both of us becoming less co-dependent and more resourceful. Some days this is easier than others. Some days I feel he has betrayed me and us with childish willfullness. Other days I see clearly the rightness of this and feel we're both in a better place already.

My thinking is muddled, at times. I feel hurt when he treats me as just another person in his life. We were out together socially recently and I felt strongly the absence of any physical affection from him in public. I've always been very demonstrative, he slightly less so in public.

I'm afraid we'll lose each other. Forget to come back. Or maybe I'm just afraid that if he finally 'sorts himself out' he'll realize how much he has to explore and cast away everything we've had in the past. He wrote me about the fear of losing touch and love for me, yet when I asked him if he feared my losing love for him he seemed surprised at the thought- as if it hadn't occurred to him that I could.
A reflection of his self-involvement or his certainty of my feelings? I don't know.

The more I think the more I go in circles. Though less so now than a few weeks ago. Maybe I should keep it simple and just think of him as a depressed person with issues he needs to deal with and my role as being a supportive friend who asks for nothing in return for my love and understanding.

That's probably it. But I have always been the supportive and understanding one, for years, and I wonder if I haven't hidden from my own issues with the useful excuse of tending to those of my husband.

The funny part is that there's no real traumas there, nothing major at all compared to what so many people on this forum are dealing with bravely and practically on a daily basis. Neither of us is seriously messed up. Not at all. And yet we're like two children who have an amazing capacity for joy and creativity and love who've become so entangled in each other that the only way to deal with it is to not be together at all.

Do things work out this way? By two very close people being apart and focusing on themselves and then eventually getting back together and learning new ways to focus on each other as well?
This sounds like WORK which I'm not sure if he's up to. Maybe being in therapy will help. I've tried it and can't say it's done me that much good.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say, or if even I can expect anyone to wade through this waffling, long post. I do hope someone does though. I do.

Thanks.