thanks for all the advice. what i have realised is that because of the way i was brought up (not showing emotion, being strong, etc) i find it hard to admit that maybe I can not do it all be myself. Talking to friends and family is not an option somethings are just to scary, intense and violent to explain. and I just won't be able to explain my suicidal thoughts and half-assed attempts (can't even get that right without my responsible voice chipping in to spoil the fun).

no seriously i think it is time to get someone who is paid to listen to what i have to say and who i don't have to see on a daily basis and add to my embarresment. just need to get all these thoughts out my head!