I have been there. It really is a strange boat to be in because it is like we are totally different people when we are sick. We have to be accountable for our actions, but when we are at the extremes of mania, psychosis or depression we do not have control of them. My heart goes out to you. You are definitely not alone.

It all comes down to a choice. Do you want to stay in the shame and punish yourself everyday, or do you want to turn it into motivation to improve your life? Every time I don't want to deal with my illness, I use that shame to inspire me to keep going. I use it as a reminder to be as healthy as possible. I use it as a reason to learn all I could about my illness and to grow in self-awareness. I use it as a reason to reach out to others with these kinds of issues and show them mercy and compassion. I use it as a lesson in humility.

The shame, regret, remorse and guilt never truly go away. All we can do is change how we respond to it. We can let it anchor us down, or push us forward. Focus on doing all that you can to ensure you don't repeat your actions and maybe the forgiveness will come once you know you're giving it your very best. It's really all any of us can do.

Welcome to the forums. We're glad to have you and look forward to you posting.