I havent SI'd for 39 days now (why does it seem so much longer than that??!). But recently, at night, I have been getting my sissors and tracing the blade across my skin... not deep, not so it hurts, pretty lightly and with great care... just as a sort of 'reminder' what it feels like to have the cold blade on my skin, as its relieving... Its kinda comforting to know that its still there if I ever fall back again.

I havent included this in my SI because Im not actually injuring myself... it just 'helps' me whilst I try and recover...

But tonight having a bit of a bad hour or so, I pressed down a bit harder - again, taking great care because Im determined to stop and know that I cant actually do it. It didnt hurt and again, I didnt pierce the skin, but with all the tension built up inside I put more strengh into it that I actually realised... and now I have marks.

My arm went a bit red and I think I might actually have scratched myself a bit, they look like little red faded scratches on my arms. I know theyll probably be gone by tomorrow or the day after, but I cant help but feel guilty like I 'cheated'. I dont know whether to stop giving myself a hard time about it because I knew it was wrong enough to stop myself from actually going all the way and I didnt really intend to do it, or just say, 'Meggs, you failed again!'

I dont wanna be getting cocky about it and start doing it more often if I let this one go.... Can I ask for any opinions please? Am I just being stupid?

babyg xxx