So I've been looking back at my life, and everything I did to put me in the bad situation I'm in now. And I also look at the factors which keep me trapped in this situation, the most prevalent being my bipolar (I'm schizoaffective bipolar type, but most of the time it's the bipolar that is the most salient)

Anyways, I try not to complain but I need somewhere to vent. So I'm divorced now over a year and living at my parent's house. I know that I will be here a long time because a) I have to pay child support for the next 12 years (3 kids), which severely limits my take-home income and b) the cost of housing where I live is not cheap. I work a decent enough job, but assuming I stay there it will take years to get up to the level I need to be salary-wise. So I had an idea to get into financial sales. But I have bipolar and I know how I am and it just doesn't fit the schema of making serious money. For example, sometimes (actually often) I have bad days, depressed days. Sometimes this goes on for weeks. How can I do a sales job if I'm depressed and could barely work for 2 weeks straight? It just does not compute. You have to be on your A-game at least 95% of the time and I'm only really on my A-game when I'm manic, which is not often. So I'm stuck in this situation with no plausible escape route. At least in the short-term. Long term I think I'll be ok in about 7-11 years, but that seems like an eternity. This has implications - my current relationship is pretty much doomed to fail because of my finances. So I can kiss my girlfriend goodbye, it's really only a matter of time. She seems optimistic, but we have major hurdles. It's a long distance relationship and she doesn't want to move to my state. She also has reservations about certain family members of mine, I don't know if they can be resolved. We've had a tough year as a couple, and covid only made it worse. I haven't seen her since July. My parents might move to a different state. If they do I'll have to follow, which mean I lose my job and have to find a new one which will probably pay less, further constraining my finances and ability to thrive. I wind up not saving and spending money on things just to make myself feel better. Even if I did save, housing needs to be paid for with monthly income, not savings, so I still couldn't move out.

I only think of the things that put me here. I should have never gotten married. I should have pursued a promising career in my 20's instead of wasting my time trying to figure things out. I should have finished college the first time around instead of spending that time in an alcoholic haze. I should have never touched cocaine. I should have been more realistic about life instead of living in a bubble until I was 42. I should have been more serious about who I surrounded myself with. I should have thrived, instead I wallowed. The illness is only in part to blame.

I can look at some positives as well, at least I have a degree, and a master's. At least I have a job for the moment. At least I have an income. At least I'm not out on the street, which I would likely be if I didn't have my parents. At least I have some good material possessions. At least I'm able to work. At least I'm not hospitalized. At least I'm not crippled physically. At least I have supportive relatives and friends. At least I'm not overmedicated anymore.