Thank you all for the replies.

Lostislost, I’m jealous you get to see T in person! That being said, I think even if I saw mine in person too, I’d likely feel the way you described because of the uncertainty. Will it be ok now? Will we have to go back to video sessions? I think the uncertainty covid brings with it is hard no matter what situation you are in.

T and I have talked about it at length—I usually end up feeling reassured for a little bit that he will see me f2f again at some point, but I can’t hold on to that feeling. It’s like I have a fistful of sand that runs through my fingers until there is nothing left. By day four after the appointment, I struggle to get through the day without the anxieties taking over and convincing me that something will happen and he won’t be able to see me again. It’s sent me into panic attacks, rage, crying fits, dissociation and numbness that lasted for days.

T isn’t the sort of person to see me on a park bench, send me things or make exceptions for me. He’ll see me when he’s prepared to see everyone else too. Which is ok, at least from a logical perspective. But I just can’t stop feeling that he just doesn’t care. I’m his job, that’s it. He’s comfortable with how things are at the moment (video) and even though he’ll go back to f2f at some point, he doesn’t feel like he’s in a rush. Which is fine, I guess. I don’t want to change him, I don’t want him to go out of his way to give me something. I just want to be ok with how things are atm and the fact that I’m not makes me feel like I’m secretly trying to convince him to see me (in my heightened emotional state: to show me that he cares). I hate myself for it. I hate how important he is to me and I hate how much this has altered my day to day existence. How do you tell someone this without them wanting to run from you?

He’s fine, but I’m struggling to breathe and it ****ing hurts so much I just want to go to sleep until this is all over.

I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day. Ranting helps.