(please excuse me for any mistake... i'm not a native speaker)

I posted a lot in this forum in the last two years and the contents were mostly negative and repeated themselves
i'm kind of sorry for that because i know this aspect of the internet can be dangerous too

i had an escalation of realizations lately and even thought i know this is not gonna go anywhere, i feel the need to grab my past like a blanket
And since i feel sorry for what i've been and how it impacted on others' lives, is kind of an atonement what i'm (irrationally, etc) trying to have

The point of this is that there is no point
It's hard to be a grown woman with more urgent thing to do and feel the need to talk about lost love, and everything i did wrong with my life to the point i failed at everything because I know how frustrating it can be for the therapist

I talk alone a lot, because when you've been such a human disaster, and inflicted pain and lost precious people by being ungrateful, who's gonna hear you?

Kind people on this forum suggested that i should try to forgive myself
But i think i went beyond... and this is life

So the need to talk is just a way to comfort myself again
Like "I did this but I wish I didn't"

I feel i'm in a phase where i can't use regrets anymore
That's why i just go back to memories and fall into them
But it is dysfunctional...i know