I am so glad you posted this. I have always believed this about myself. Not good enough to be alive.

I have finally decided I understand the root of all this. Only took 56 years. I was born blind in my left eye. The eye was fine. The brain part was broken. The treatment was to patch the good eye and force information into the bad one, so the brain could learn to see. It worked. I was about 1.

Problem was, I was a super duper sensitive, loving, empathetic, sweet little creature. The patch terrified me. Huge trauma, walking around, stumbling into things, unable to see or process visual data. Beyond terrifying.

Because of the specific, supersensitive neurochemical makeup God gave me, my little 1 yr-old self turned this terror inward, blaming me. Assigning responsibility. Age 1. My conclusion from all this was that I was obviously inferior, defective, and therefore, did not deserve to be alive. This drove a lifelong competitive streak that took me to the world's finest hospitals and the top of my field. Fame and fortune. Motivation. Drive. But I still struggle feeling inadequate. Working on it. Working on it.

You are not alone! Hugs and love!