I thought I would write a bit more in response to your post because it really struck home with me. I hope that's okay.

I feel a constant urge to talk about the past. I don't do it though. I don't see a therapist. And there's no one else who would want to hear it... or should for that matter. Plus... as I get older I'm losing more-&-more of the spotty memory I had to begin with. So I now no longer even trust that I could put together a coherent history. And there would be so many different aspects to it, it would be difficult integrate them all into the picture.

My life has been such a confusing, disturbing mess it takes my breath away just to think about it. I wish it were possible to understand how I turned out the way I did. But it's not. It certainly wasn't intentional. I think about the various aspects of it almost constantly. But I don't talk about it alone. Perhaps I should. Or perhaps I should journal. But I've never been into that sort of thing.

You mentioned forgiveness. I used to have an internet friend (until I dumped him... just like I have most everyone in my life.) He was a Christian. (I'm an atheist.) My former internet friend always used to encourage me to forgive myself. However, from my perspective, there are things that are so egregious self-forgiveness is inappropriate. And in such a case the only option is simple acceptance. "I did this. It's in the past. There's nothing I can do about it now. So that's it." Lately, though, I've felt compelled to age-regress because of all the confusion, guilt & shame I carry secretly within me. It all makes me want to be little as a means of escape.