Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves
That feeling of self-forgiveness being inappropriate--what do you do when it's not only inappropriate, but there's no accepting it, either? Yes, there might not be anything I can do to change what happened, but I still have the capacity to mete out terrible punishment to myself, and often do so with relish in the moment.
I don't know how you ever come to a point where you simply accept it. It's not enough for me to want to accept it. I want to punish.
|
I wish I had the answer to this. But I do understand about meting out terrible punishment to oneself. I have made 2 major suicide attempts in the past plus I have self-injured to the extent I have permanent physiological problems resulting from it. I am at least passively suicidal every day.
For me, acceptance is an ongoing day-to-day, moment-to-moment exercise. There will never come a time when I can accept what I did & be done with it. The best I can do is to strive for acceptance in the moment. And I do that by trying, as best I can, to allow whatever disturbing thoughts & memories arise to be present (because they are anyway.) Then I breathe into them, perhaps smile to them, & possibly even place a hand over my heart as a sign of lovingkindness & compassion for them as well as for myself. This is a Buddhist practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding". There is a mental-health-oriented description of this practice I sometimes link members to. Here it is:
Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything
There is, however, also an article in PC's archives I'm fond of. The article is on the subject of grief & loss. But the "Self-Compassion Break Exercise" described at the end of the article is very much in keeping with the practice of compassionate abiding & is, I think, apropos:
What My Dog Taught Me about Grief and Loss
May it be of benefit.
P.S. I do believe, based on my own personal experience, that following this practice over time does result in some general improvement. It's not a cure. But it does result in some level of healing.