(sorry for some mistakes in my English, it's not my native language
I know I have never been the sharpest pencil in the box, but in past few years (and especially, this year) the feeling of being mentally subnormal has been really overflowing me.
To add some context, few years back I have been bullied by my classmates, which caused me alot of fears. Most of it I handled with my old psychologist, but ocassional depression waves and that small spark of need to be accepted by others still stayed with me. I have became very closed person who mostly spends free time in front of her computer browsing internet (not even chatting with someone, as I'm too scared to talk on forums/videogames), but I try to make some steps to get back on the track, find some friends, hopefully new hobbies and so on. Last three-four years on highschool have been pretty fine, I even made one solid friend, but there is that one feeling that creeps me out, and that's being behind my classmates. I struggle socially (I tend to stutter when I get nervous, have sometimes problems with forming sentences that make sense, and sometimes, I say ... "automatic responses"?), and intelectually. I'm not very good with understanding politics, history, etc. which I think is caused by my constant computer lounging but am trying to slowly change it, and have big problems with processing information. I tend to suddenly... freeze? I suddenly stop feeling world around me and am blankly staring in front of me, and after 'waking up' from that effect, I feel suddenly slowed down. It happends to me when I get some fear, or when something unexpected happends (f.e. a person that never talks to me asks me for favour). It's so frustating when these things (stuttering, blank stare, weird sentences,...) happends, as right after I say/do it, I know it was stupid thing to do and I feel ashamed. Those dark thoughts such as 'everyone thinks you're mentally retarded' and 'they're not nice to you, they only manipulate you because you're acting like a child' are craving to me again, and it's slowly getting worse, especially they crave inside my mind when my mom/brother tells me how I never use my brain, which really hurts me. For past... year?, I'm constanly trying to examine my responses and thoughts, and am looking for unnusual things that I'm doing that would confirm my dumbness or craziness (yesterday I realized when I'm looking on some videos, I try to talk inside my mind fake monologues 'what if' I showed it to my classmates) - why am I doing it, I guess to feed my dark thoughts and confirm them it's true. I'm even finding some narcisstic things (do you see how much 'I am' and 'me' I used here in this post? How it all looks like I want to be called smart?) and it really, really scares me. I don't want to be such person, not just... crazy, uneducated or narcisstic, but also someone who constanly check herself.
... do you have any tips what to do against it? And if it's possible to see from my writing... am I crazy? I apologize if this post doesn't makes sense, I just have big chaos in my thoughts right now. Thanks everyone who read throught this mess ^^'