I dunno...I've always suspected I have BPD because it's not just normal troughing-peaking of bipolar. I could always tell when my bipolar would come on, but it seems to have morphed into something worse, and I have all the symptoms and then some. And every relationship I've had since getting out of the joint 7 years ago has been unstable and crumbled. Paranoia? Check. Emotional instability? Check. Inability to regulate emotions? Oh, yeah--that rage tastes so...delicious...when I am self-harming (usually through trying to grab my head as though it's someone else's and run it through a wall or punching myself in the face), which naturally makes any real relationship impossible. Who tf wants to date someone who will smash themselves up at the slightest provocation? It's literally like a light switch, and I am sure, terrifying to behold to anyone other than myself at how quickly that change will happen.

So...I just gave up. I don't bother seeking anyone anymore. I can't afford therapy, and I will never take medication again. Ever. The days of me playing guinea pig are over. I have no reason to do DBT because IDGAF about myself; if I had someone else as a reason to do it for, maybe, but for simple self-improvement? Psh. Nah, that darker side of me prefers to stay in control when it is in control--that thing inside of my head I call the wolf. I think this is mainly because I get it done, and then what? Nothing in my external circumstances change. I just feel better about living a dead-end life that I cannot escape from for a variety of legal reasons. So why bother? Now, I just watch 'em walk by and look away.

I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes...