Dear Pidffee,

I don't think you are crazy. Do you think that perhaps you are suffering from depression? It can be common when one is afflicted with depression to paint a mental picture of oneself in exclusively negative terms.

It is also common in depression to put oneself on trial. Such mental trials about one's worth and so on are never fair because although they always include a judge, jury and prosecutor, they lack a defense attorney. I think that in your life so far you have done countless brave things, clever and intelligent things, and beautiful and good things. But you do not mention these in your post. Not being able to see the positive in oneself can sometimes be a symptom of the illness of depression for which there are effective medical treatments.

Every person could be more brave, more intelligent, more beautiful, more kind. But if one judges oneself from the point of view of "could be better" one misses half the reality of life. It is also true that every person could be less brave, less smart, less beautiful, less good. The "could be better" must be balanced with the "could be worse."

Craziness and sanity are not points on a line. They constitute a range of values. For example, there have been a couple of men in the last 100 years who caused the deaths of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide and campaigns of forced starvation. On the true scale of things, these things were crazy, stupid, cowardly and very evil. You are not anything like this. In fact, you are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from this level of cowardice, stupidity and evil . . . and mental insanity. You are basically and intrinsically a very good person!

But it is quite common in the illness of depression for a person afflicted with depression to lose perspective and see only the negatives about themselves. Although I do not know you personally, I am confident that you are braver than millions of people on the earth, and smarter, and so on.

Sometimes psychotherapy can help one to regain perspective about things and about themselves. If therapy alone is not completely effective, there are medical treatments.

Since I am not a physician or medical professional, I cannot do anything more than recommend that you see a physician. You are a good person suffering distress. You deserve to have peace of mind and joy of living. I do not think you are crazy. I think you are suffering. I also think you are very brave and heroic for bearing with the terrible distress you are suffering.

I hope things improve for you. It is so good that you exist in this world and I hope you can be free of the distress that assails you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen