I know that this is not your fault. But this is how it felt. Hearing that you can no longer see me until the authorization is done with the new Network that deals with veterans community care really sucks. As soon as you said with the 15 minutes left of session . we need to discuss your authorization. It has not been in place since July and I am afraid we will no longer be able to meet. Once the words came out, I completely shutdown, and was in a very protective mode. As the angry parts started to arise inside as my images were of violence, tearing up my room and breaking a window or even the coffee cup in front of me. but I could not muster the movement to do so. Other parts of me were in this kind of told you so, that she would eventually do this to us. That she is just like all the others. if she doesnt want to see us, hell then why try anymore and suicidal tendencies started coming around. Then it was the erasers trying to just ignore what was said and thinking that if we could just erase it all it would be okay. Then you asked Did you hear what I said, as you watched me just avoid your eye contact and hold back tears, you repeat, did you hear me, I want to make it clear that this is temporary and is just until the authorization is put in place. My mind swirling with a range of thougths and emotions, and you ask me what i would do in your shoes, and I said probably the same, and bursted into tears. While tears rolled down my face, I sat there thinking how I regreted the past 6.5 years together and that i should of know it would end like this. I also have become rather very numb and motionless. Your voice is fading as you are telling me that I am okay and that your still there etc.. but you know what NEVER feels like it should. I often think that Im a just going to always have the emotional reactions of the many parts that make me up. I know its not your fault but I cant stop feeling hurt, and anger at you. I am sure on some level its a coping mechanisim but does not matter. Having you say it and hearing the words no matter why or the 2020 reason for it, its as if I am hearing it as a young child. This has triggered all the feelings of abandonment, hurt, mistrust, pain, and ****ed up relationships that I have had. This past week making that impulsive trip to the mountains was made as a distraction from you, and the trip was made with a drunk part of me, and the next morning the teenage part of me paid for it. Dragged my two kids on a trip to hell. It was not fun. they know it and i did too. You were on vacation and I just could not handle it, and felt that I made this trip in a panic to help deal with you leaving me. Thinking I will leave you too! Getting back, and having had emailed you all about it, and was a little hopefull that maybe you would write something and you havent is a let down. I get it, we are not seeing each other but are you really there for me?? Got the word from the coodinator that this will be for atleast 90 days or more until your creditials are approved or whatever but honestly, I right now in this moment as I write am not willing to continue therapy anymore. the pain and hurt is not from you its not your fault and I keep saying that but my logic and emotions do not line up and I have been so numb and shutdown since last week. I am about to loose my job, I dont seem to care much anymore. I have no interest in anything, my 6th grader is struggling with school online and I am not always able to be a mom and guide him but rather order him and its stressing him out. My 19 year old lost his job to Covid and has been just as depressed as I feel at times. I hate that your my only rock. I hate that I ever met you. I hate that you had ever given me that damn blanket, I hate that I have not been able to see you in person since March and i hate that it hurts so much that I want to leave it like this. Its not your fault I know ...its normal and yet I feel I am trying to process all this on my own and understand that its just temporay and that it wont last long, but it does not work...I need to dissociate from you and this situation and i cant afford to let my children suffer because I can not be a mom. I am trying and miss you dearly. hoping that the authorization goes through soon ...90 days will be next year....that makes my chest hurt. OH WELL. I Guess I will just get used to it and keep on going as best I can. Please read emails and respond or if not just send a text saying HI. You wont.