because you wont reply with something, I guess if i want a reply I have to ask for it, and really dont want to do that. it kind defeats the purpose. I am not sure if i like being cc on the emails between you and the coordinator as my first response was a bit harsh in your opinion as you called me out on it, and while I did not see anything wrong with it, i yet again feel that I am not allowed to have anger regarding this authorization process. i dont feel I directed it at the coordinator but just in general as THE VA is whom and what I truly am angry with as they screw me over so many times. I like the fact that the coordinator is getting progress made on the steps to getting your credentials approved and yet i dont want to get my hopes up either.

I wish I could be truly honest with you, I sometimes feel that, while Iam not able to be completely present in my most adult mind, and honestly feel it will always be, that maybe therapy is a waste now. I go between times of hope that I can work on this and be more present, but when I hear you say, I look forward to the day that you can be 100 % present all the time and know that your an adult now, I just feel bad. When I am not in my most adult self and haivng a day of emotions and anger, mostly, and at time sadness and just cry, and you mention that these are of the past emotions as the presently there is nothing going on to make you feel this way, I know and cant help it. That makes me angry. Sometimes I feel this anger is towards you. I hate that it is that it feels that way.

i am not sure what it is that I want. i miss you but dont.