So one of the things that came up Tuesday continues to bother me (and I'm going to address it with him today). In talking about my difficulty with secure attachment, Dr. T made the comment that with ex-MC, I had secure attachment. But that I just held on tighter and tighter until it became too much for him.


I said actually, I don't think I was securely attached to him at all. That I'd have moments where I felt really attached, then have these doubts. Which would lead to me pushing and testing him. That I'd get intermittent reinforcement. Trigger warning for animal lovers
Dr. T was like, "Oh, OK." First, shouldn't it have been obvious that I wasn't securely attached to ex-MC? Second, that also makes it sound like all my fault that things got messed up with ex-MC. When Dr. T has certainly acknowledged in the past that much of it was due to his inconsistent boundaries (after initially acting like, how would I expect ex-MC to react to "I love you so much"?).

Finally, it makes me feel like Dr. T thinks that if I become securely attached to someone, then I'll mess it up by holding on too tightly. Like, I can't manage a secure relationship (I'm not sure that I've ever had a truly secure relationship, so I suppose I can't say. But I think insecurity is much more likely to make me mess one up). And of course it makes me wonder if Dr. T thinks I'm holding *him* too tightly. Is it becoming too much for him? Some of the stuff he said earlier that session about what it seems I expect from a T make me wonder about that. Saving that for separate post, because I thin they're separate ideas.