So the other thing from Tuesday. He was talking about my insecure attachment, how with relationships in my life, I feel like I could "fall into the shark tank" at any moment, how that's the underlying energy there. And then he talked about how I seem to view the therapeutic relationship, how it's a sort of tug-of war for me. That with a friend, they're (presumably) hanging out with/talking to me because they like me. But with therapy, I can wonder if it's about the money. That I wonder if therapist would want to hang out with me and care about me if the situation were different. Me: "Like if we'd met under other circumstances, if I were a friend or colleague?" He said yes. I said I did sort of wonder that.

Then he said (I took notes this time) how, from a therapist, I look for signs of "nurturance, commitment, loyalty, and devotion." How I want to see that they want to be there for me, to take care of me. He said at another point, that I want to feel "relevant, important, lovable, and cared for." He said he works hard at the relationship with me. It all made me feel like I'm a lot of work as a client...like, I expect more from a therapist than I should?

He also said that I find boundaries in therapy to be "extremely hurtful." That I try to be the "good girl, the good client." Like following the rules of therapy (true). He said I "can't tolerate being chastised" (like if I do break one of the "rules" or he said something I did annoyed him). That it makes me feel hurt, punished, and dismissed.

Back to the therapeutic relationship, he said I don't want it to feel like a transaction of services, like buying shoes in a store (duh, obviously). How I don't just want to go to a restaurant and be served my meal, that I want it to be like "that show with the bar...with Norm?" Me: "Cheers?" Dr. T: "Yes." Me: "Like I want to come into session and have you go, 'LT!!!'" (trying to emulate the "Norm!!!!" thing from Cheers.) He said it's not like I just want that from therapy, but from other experiences, too, like, well, eating in a restaurant or having a beer in a taproom (well, outside now). The thing is, I don't see why this is such a weird thing? Isn't that why people become regulars at places?

I don't know, I guess I just feel kind of judged by him. I'm not saying that what he said is inaccurate, just something about him laying it all out there makes me feel like a difficult, needy client. Which, ok, yeah, I'm needy, but...