Copying/pasting from the Couch:
Today's session was really rough, like rupture territory. I don't know if it's fixable or not. He said that he doesn't like having to respond to client emails, that he'd rather not do it. When he's been doing that for me for 3 years. And I said how before he'd said he considered it a part of his job. And he said (today), "We all have parts of our job that we'd rather not have to do." He said he's willing to do it for me. But would prefer not to have to in general.

Note that I'm fully aware that many T's don't do email. But this has been an agreement since the beginning that we've discussed multiple times. He never said he wished he didn't have to do it. Just that he charges for longer ones (or if I sent a whole bunch of short ones), which I accepted. The vast majority of time, he didn't charge me (even when he said it took him >15 minutes). So feel sort of deceived. And it's also very reminiscent of stuff that happened with ex-T and ex-MC regarding email, so it's particularly triggering.

And he said this is why I need to be relying on other people in my life. Because I'm never going to be satisfied with the boundaries in the therapeutic relationship.

And he also confirmed that he'd be less supportive and accepting once Covid starts going away. And would push me more. And that he knows it will be hard for me.

Plus some other stuff. Like my bringing up how he seems to get uncomfortable any time I bring up the inner child stuff, and he questioned what I meant. And I said he seemed visibly uncomfortable, always tried to use other language for it, shift the topic to something else, etc. That there's a lot I want to explore with that, but I feel I can't because of his reactions.

So...I don't know if it's fixable or not. I really appreciate all the support he's giving me during Covid. I seriously doubt many therapists would allow sessions this frequent or...well, I was going to say allow outside contact. Which I guess he does, but he just doesn't like it.

And now it also sort of feels like his greater compassion and support during Covid is just an act.

So...I think I'm at least going to look at some other T's, maybe contact a couple, have free 15-minute consults for ones that allow that. I think I need a T with a different method of working. And probably a female.