Honestly I feel like such a fool. I started to really notice that I feel nothing for him- like nothing - a couple of years ago. Just this year i really thought I was losing my mind and I had heard the term gaslighting before but didn’t know what it was. So I looked that up and I’ve just hemmed and hawed on the whole thing. I have been listening to Whay does he act that way or whatever the title of the book that Lundy guy. I swear sometimes he is talking about exactly my situation and others not so much. And then just realizing that just because I don’t have a black eye - doesn’t mean I am not ripped to shreds inside. And this has been happening for 25 years.

And i honestly I am the one who is more jealous and paranoid. So then I think we’ll maybe I am the abuser. No doubt I have said and done my fair share of yelling and name calling at times. But I have never told my husband he was mentally ill or that he was the one that needed help or that he should give me something to be attracted to. It’s just been a drip drip drip.

He goes out with friends alllllllll the time. In fact he’s out now. Was out last night and some on both Monday and Tuesday. I’ve tried to talk to him about how I don’t like that and think that he should be home at night with our teenager and myself - but no - now I am told I am insecure and there’s a reason I don’t have any friends and it’s not his responsibility to make my friends for me. And I know he will come home drunk so I just won’t say anything because I am past the point of caring and do not think the I suits and sarcasm that will be hurled at me is worth it. . Normally I would be searching Facebook for posts (I’m not sure where he is), crying because once again I was left out and pissed that he hadn’t texted to say where he was when at 6:30 (it’s 8:20 now) he said he was coming home. I have this horrendous horrible almost irrational reaction to being left out. I don’t even really like the people he calls “our” friends.

I started to realize that I was the one always in tears and upset when we would argue and always thought everything was my fault even though he was saying he just could never do anything right. Lately it’s just gotten really irrational.

But I know that I am done. I just have to figure out how to get out of debt - I have run the numbers and can do it on my own but I can’t afford the house we currently live in and it will be a real struggle carrying that debt. And he will not be involved in the finances and just continues to spend spend spend. So much so that last night there wasn’t money available for him to go but he still did and his friends paid for him. I can only imagine what he told them. He can be a great victim at the drop of a hat.

He says embarrassing personal (just little stuff that people can laugh at) but he says it front of people. He grabs my boobs in public when I have repeatedly told him not to and physically reacted negatively when he does. It’s degrading. And secondly there is little to none in terms of affection. I don’t think we’ve had sex in over 6-7 years.

And he is a punisher. The other night I told him to stop lying to me and he said i didn’t and I pointed out the incedent and he had a likely story with half truths - but I knew he was lying. And he was like what you don’t believe me? I said no I do not. I wasn’t mad - I was just calm. Well that resulted in sulking and playing his xbox game until it was time to sleep.

Today i didn’t want to go out to eat because of the money situation and he said I have cash (all text) and I said you should probably use that for gas and necessities which is when he responded fine I will come straight home after we get back in town (day businesses trip). I guess about 45 minutes later I get this text “ just pulled over to piss. Should I get a slim Jim or will you have food at home?” I just didn’t respond but clearly I am stewing and feeling like should try to explain.

I.ve thought about moving to another bedroom but to be honest - I want him to and i want a complete separation. I’m the one that is home all the time so I think I should get the master. But maybe I should just suck it up and move in there and start the process of a separation but under the same roof. I just don’t know how well that will work. Let’s be honest it won’t so then I am stuck with this thing inside and I don’t know how to act. Should I just go out every once in awhile so that he doesn’t catch on and I can make a solid plan? I don’t really have a support system because everyone I know knows him and probably thinks i am insane.

I know that I am a intelligent human and very capable - but I am a shadow of my former self. ☹️

You probably didn’t expect a novel when you asked that. I guess I am just spilling it all out.