Quote:
Originally Posted by zoiecat
The more your T has continued to give in to you the more attached you become and the more you expect from him. Real life does not work like that. Everyone is not going to say what you want or change their actions or opinions to satisfy your needs. Maybe that is why you are so attached. He is the only you can (sorry I can't think of a nicer word) control/manipulate into giving you what you feel you need. Is this really helpful? You have said many times that your are trying to decrease drinking but then you say your T told you to go out and have a beer. I understand the need to get out in public and do things, but that seems kind of self defeating.
I am sorry to be blunt and feel free to ignore everything I have said. It just pains me to see you reliving the same issues year after year. I am sure my desires for you are totally different than your own. I know I would like to see you be able to deal with life's dissapointments without so much anxiety. This is possible but only if a T pushes you out of your comfort zone and you allow it to happen. This would only be an option if it is truly what you want. I guess that is what you are really looking for in T.
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Thanks, zoiecat, I'm not offended. Just quoting the part here that really resonates with me. I did actually say to him on Tuesday that I feel he's contributed to my becoming more dependent (I don't think he said much in response to that). I mean, he let me go to 2, then more recently 3 sessions a week, allows email (and without ever charging for it lately), letting me text on occasion beyond scheduling, when that's technically against the rules....
In a way, I'm angry at him because he allowed all that. He knows how ex-MC's inconsistent boundaries affected me. He knows I tend to push/test to get what I want from T's. And he's let me do that. It's stuff that feels good at the time, but I know likely doesn't help me in the end.
The thing is, in the beginning, he seemed to have really strong boundaries. So he seemed more "safe" to me, like "OK, he's not going to let me interact with him like ex-MC did." From e-mail/text boundaries to not disclosing much about himself. But then since the pandemic started, he's disclosed much more (and when I asked him about this, thinking perhaps it was intentional, he said he wasn't aware that he was disclosing more...which concerned me). The fact that he also was a jerk some of the time also helped keep me from getting too attached.
And this T has tried to push me out of my comfort zone--most recently, he's encouraged me to push past my fears and go out to an outdoor table at a restaurant. Which has helped some. But your comment on how he says I can go have a beer resonates with me. Because I'll also mention having a few beers while talking with H, and he says that's a good time to have some beers. I feel he hasn't really helped me much with drinking, even though he seems knowledgeable about substance abuse. He just seems to push that aside. He pushes for exercise, but he's also a sports psychologist, so...
Actually, one of the T's I contacted (who I'm waiting to hear back from) says her expertise is with clients with dual diagnoses of substance abuse and mood disorders. Actually, I wonder if it's a case where maybe I could see sort of a regular T (I don't mean Dr. T necessarily, just some sort of a T), then see her for the addiction part? Or maybe she does regular therapy as well. Or I just see her for a few months to work on addiction, then switch to more of a regular (non-addiction) T.
But anyway, what you said was helpful and gave me some things to think about. I do feel Dr. T enables me in various ways, whether that's replying to emails/texts in a caring way (even though he'd apparently prefer not to have to reply), letting me have however many sessions I want, reducing my rate so I can do that, not pushing me much on my drinking, etc.