Quote:
Originally Posted by elisewin
What would you want him to do really? Keeping his boundaries and for example not giving you extra sessions and reminding you to keep his boundaries? It doesn't seem to work with you, it makes you anxious and thinking that he doesn't care or understand. And you don't respect his boundaries anyway, like you mentioned texting him anyway, even if he said it is his boundary.
But when he is trying to accomodate your needs with many sessions, letting you text etc. you are not happy but accuse him of making you dependant. Also when he doesn't self disclose, you get upset, and when he does, you get upset?
I'm honestly confused if you want him to be more distant with text, appointments and self disclosure or more relaxed and accommondating for your needs and wishes?
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I know I don't make much sense...I think it generally comes down to wants vs. needs. I *want* him to relax his boundaries, but what I really need is for him to hold them. I *want* him to self-disclose, but what I really need is for him to keep that at a minimum. I *want* him to be flexible, but what I really need is for him to be consistent.
The wants feel good in the moment, but can also be confusing to me. Like, the increased self-disclosure, chatting about politics, joking together, things like that, those feel more friend-like (or something even more than that). And then I feel this other connection to him that's more than professional.
Things like texting and emailing, if I know he's not going to charge (or express annoyance at a text), then I'm more likely to use those things instead of being forced to find other ways to cope (or to decide if it's worth a possible charge if I email, like, how badly do I really need this?) And the three times a week, I've really appreciated in some ways, but then I was feeling scared to go back to two. It feels like he encouraged dependency. Yes, I'm fully aware that I'm autonomous and could just not accept any of those things, choose to never email, etc. But I'm not really good at doing that.
It's like how good parents need to set limits. A kid would be totally content to eat cupcakes and candy all day, but a good parent insists on having some healthy food as well. The kid won't be happy about it, but it's healthier for them. It's like I've gone from a fairly healthy diet to lots of cupcakes. Tastes good, but not so good for me in the long-term.
Does that make sense? Some of this is also tied up in my insecure attachment, push-pull stuff. Like wanting him to prove he cares, being content for a bit, then wanting more proof. Ex-MC fell into that. Dr. T seemed fairly good at holding boundaries for a long stretch, which made me feel safer, if frustrated. So now that he's been loosening, I feel less safe.