Quote:
Originally Posted by snowangel17
LT, I don’t know your background or what you started going to therapy in the first place but it seems to me that many of the difficulties you are having with all your Ts are relational. If you do end up getting a new T it might be helpful to make sure it’s one who works with a relational approach and understands the importance of the therapy relationship and transference. My understanding (and my own therapy) the relationship I have with my T IS the work. It seems to me that this T doesn’t really believe that although sometimes does things that suggest he does but then really he just doesn’t... people are suggesting a female T but honestly I think many of the same attachment things will come up again and again regardless of the sex .....
My understanding (very simplified) is that for those of use with insecure attachment a relationship with a good enough T (one who is empathetic, caring , authentic but also has boundaries (as a good enough parent should have) will help us to form earned secure attachment and with that also help us with resolving many of the other difficulties stemming from this...
You have been with this T for a few years now and clearly as a lot of people would do formed an attachment to him. It makes total sense that you would want to reach out to him rather than friends in a time of crisis.
It’s strange that he thought you had a secure attachment to your old t... someone with a secure attachment to someone feels safe in the relationship and doesn’t need to reach out all the time as you trust the relationship and know that they are there..
for people with insecure attachments there is often this belief that if a T gives more that the person will want more and more and more and never stop. I don’t know if this is necessarily true... I’ve always wanted ‘more’ of my T and felt I wasn’t getting enough seeing them only once a week which seemed to fuel my transference . During COVID they made some adjustments and eased up a little on boundaries...(not too much that it was worrying but enough that it helped me realize they do care ).... this was huge for me as it allowed me to feel more secure in the relationship and actually resulted in me needing and wanting them less...i realized I was starting to trust more ... I guess my point is that with the right therapist who gives you what you need (within reasonable boundaries) you could develop this trust in the relationship whereby your dependence doesn’t just get worse and worse...... yes there will be times where you push the boundaries (that is normal) and they should hold them... it will be frustrating but they should also be giving you enough that you aren’t constantly frustrated .... . Not sure I’m making much sense and am rambling now so I’ll stop...but look for a T who works with attachment and transference as they seem to be big themes throughout your posts.
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Thanks for these comments. I am aiming to look for a T who works with relational and attachment issues--I heard back from one who has that as one of her main focuses, so I plan to schedule an appointment with her. The guy I'm seeing (virtually) Wednesday also works with them. Less sure about the woman I'm having a brief phone consult with today, but that's something I will ask her about.
Thanks for saying it made sense I'd want to reach out to him when I was really upset. I felt hurt that he acted like I shouldn't have reached out to him. Yet responded to the actual text in a caring, supportive way anyway. But then when I asked him about it, he was saying he's not who I should have reached out to. So it's all very confusing.
Dr. T relaxing his boundaries did feel good for a while. At times, I felt we had a relative secure relationship, but also felt somewhat ill at ease because I know what's happened with him before. And at times it was like I was waiting for that other side of him to come out, the side that's colder, concerned with his own feelings and reactions, being "honest" about things without thinking of the effect it might have on me, etc. And perhaps I was trying to draw it out, say, by texting when I knew I shouldn't. Then it's like I was confused when that side initially *didn't* come out.
But then hearing that he will basically go back to how he was--being less supportive and pushing more (he said this yesterday), plus the email/text stuff--once Covid goes away was hard to hear. Because part of me thought it wasn't necessarily just Covid that had led him to shift how he acted toward me--I thought it was that he'd deepened in his caring toward me, perhaps even to the level of (platonic) love. And whether he was conscious of it or not, that he was showing that in how he acted. So I think hearing it's just because of Covid and can get pulled away (combined with his preferring not to have to do email at all) just hurt. Like, it's not me, it's Covid. (If that makes any sense!)
This part of your comment rings especially true for me: "I guess my point is that with the right therapist who gives you what you need (within reasonable boundaries) you could develop this trust in the relationship whereby your dependence doesn’t just get worse and worse...... yes there will be times where you push the boundaries (that is normal) and they should hold them... it will be frustrating but they should also be giving you enough that you aren’t constantly frustrated"
For a long time, Dr. T mostly held his boundaries. Sometimes he would admit an email reply took more than 15 minutes (his threshold for charging), but he decided not to charge me. Which felt nice, but also, inconsistent. With the texts, he has always allowed them for scheduling. But one time in the first year of seeing him, I texted asking for an earlier appointment and included the explanation that my uncle had passed away. He said in session that the text had been "intrusive," that I should just ask for an extra session without any explanation. So I tended to do that in the future. But then sometimes he'd ask if I was OK, so I'd reply briefly what was up, which he was fine with or add that I could email to explain the request if I wanted. And later he said it is fine to explain the reason for an appointment request in a text. So, very inconsistent.
And inconsistent boundaries were a big part of the problem with ex-MC. Dr. T *knows* this. Which I think is why he was trying to be so consistent with boundaries in the beginning (he even said he intentionally disclosed less to me because ex-MC disclosed a lot, and he thinks that may have contributed to the transference). Dr. T's boundaries were painful, and I thought about leaving a few times early on, but I knew they were good for me, so I stayed. But now the looser boundaries seem to be hurting me...even though some of it feels good in the moment.
OK, now I'm totally rambling, so I'll stop!