Susannah, Dr. T would agree with you. He said after Thursday's session, that he was going over in his mind what could have gotten me that upset because he thought he'd shared it all with me before. He said all he could think of was that he hadn't put it out there that "starkly" or strung it all together like that. I agreed how that was likely part of it. I said it also seemed very cold the way he was saying it, and he said he didn't intend to come across that way, that maybe the words themselves were what was cold.

I said how sometimes at the end of a difficult session, he would say to me, "You know my email policy," or "If you're stressing about this later, feel free to email." So that gave me more of a sense he was fine with it. When I said that, he was like, "Oh..." and that he could see how I had that impression. He also said that he thought he gave me some "pushback" on most of my emails. I was like, "What are you talking about?" He said maybe not every email, but he thought a fair amount he did. I still wasn't sure what he meant, like in the emails themselves or later? He said some of both (now I need to look back at old emails...). I said there were times when he'd talk about trying other things first, like talking to friend, H, some sort of self-care. I said I had come to mention those things in emails, like "I went for a short walk, I talked to J, I watched some TV, but I'm still struggling." Or that I'd type up an email the night before and save it, then send it in the morning if I was still feeling that way (something he'd suggested at one point, as he usually replies to emails in the mornings). I was like "You could just look at the drafts in my email folder to see that I didn't send everything."

He said he didn't want me to feel bad about his replying to emails or indebted to him or guilty in any way. Because he chooses to do them, as a compromise in our relationship. That I'm compromising on some things, too. That he's OK with emails. And also would prefer not to be doing it. And that those things can exist simultaneously


Some of what your T has said sounds similar. I'd definitely be bothered by her comment on being stuck inside on a beautiful day--makes me think of the time that ex-MC came to work on a holiday (Labor Day or Memorial Day, I think), and he said he'd rather be hanging out in his backyard, but figured he should be responsible and come to work. Like, how is that supposed to make me feel? To me, that's something you share with your colleagues, not your clients. And your T saying she's stressed about work would bother me as well. But considering your Covid concerns, I can also see why she did it, though she could have just gone with "taking a mental health day" inside of saying it was specifically about work.

In regards to your last part, I think, besides what I said earlier (about his mentioning I could email after a tough session), I think the fact that, particularly lately, he's sounded very caring and supportive in his emails made me think he was OK with it. Where, from what he said, I imagine him sitting there thinking, "Oh FFS, I have to respond to LT and 3 other clients this morning when I want to just drink my coffee and listen to NPR." And I would have thought that tone would come out in the emails. Then again...I don't have to do it much now, but in previous jobs, I had to send some email where I might be particularly exasperated at the person, but I could still come across as very kind and diplomatic (I've had coworkers compliment me on how I phrased emails). So maybe it's like that. Plus, if it's something he's doing because he knows it helps me...he could always choose not to do it if he hated it that much.


And you didn't sound particularly judgey--it may have helped that I already heard Dr. T say some very similar things! So I'd already had time to reflect on them. I do appreciate your comments.