Ok so no one in my extended family has actually died. But this is on my mind. I don't know where it's coming from. Honestly, I think it was a song I just heard. I put "Family" in quotes because are they really family to me? I don't feel that way.


With some people, hypothetically, if they died, like if my mother's 96 year old aunt died and there was a funeral, I would not want to go. I have a few reasons why not: the reason to go to funerals and wakes is to pay respects to the people who are left ( "Sorry for your loss"), and to say goodbye to the person who died.

1.) my mother's cousins have flat out ignored me for a long time. They have zero interest in me and my life. I used to reach out and try to be friendly with them. I got nothing in return. I would not want to go and have to interact with them ("sorry for your loss"). I don't even ****ing know them anymore.


1.5.) my mom's aunt, the one who could hypothetically die, I'm not particularly fond of and she's expressed disinterest in me I think because I don't work. She and some of my family are very classist. She has "Favorites," and speaks poorly of some other people.


2.) I often feel ****** about myself at funerals around my family. I've had bad experiences with them. My grandfather's funeral was a **** show for me. **** show. No one cares either, how they affect other people, how their behavior affects me. Everyone wore black. Except me. I was so embarrassed. My mothers sisters wanted this, but my mom didn't tell me. No one bothered to tell me. I was so embarrassed and upset. At the funeral home, they started the funeral procession without me. I'd been using the bathroom and when I got out, I was so confused as to what to do. I was embarrassed and uncomfortable and no one would look at me when I expressed confusion. It was like I didn't even exist to them. It was like a ****ing nightmare.


That's all I'm able to write.


What I'd tell someone else, is that it is definitely okay to not go to anyone's funeral. If you want, send a card.


I know my mother will pressure me and push me to go. But I'm a 37 year old woman and while I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, my family doesn't consider mine, and I could send a card. I think I'm wondering "is it okay to not go to funerals, especially to funerals of people who have hurt me and ignored me and expressed deep disinterest in me?" I know I have my answer. It would help to hear it anyway though.


I think I just don't want ppl to be mad at me if I don't go. I may be disappointing some people. Maybe they can suck it. But it is a real fear. I remember once someone in the family didn't go to my grandmother's funeral and everyone talked about him and how horrible they thought he was because of it.


I know this is all hypothetical. But it's on my mind and it will happen someday and I want to be strong and not go.