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Originally Posted by JaneTennison1
It sounds like you are stuck in this same cycle. Rupture and repair can be valuable if it leads somewhere but is it? You want what you want from t and when he can't give it you threaten to leave. My question is, how is this serving you ??
You can leave it is always your right, you can stay and focus on getting what you want. He cannot be anything other than the therapist he is. So you either accept that and carry on or accept it and move on. Why keep bashing him over the head for everything he isn't?? What are you avoiding? What are you gaining?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by comrademoomoo
This is an interesting question I think, not just regarding your responses, but regarding his too. It seems to me that he does a fair amount of bashing you over the head for what you aren't. Your descriptions of his rules (distinct from his boundaries); your unmet needs; his lack of emotional and theoretical understanding, all remind me of a parent yelling at a child when they are crying and in pain. It seems to me that he wants you to be a different client in a similar way to the times when you want him to be a different therapist.
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You both make good points, and this is something that I'm wondering about. From when I returned last September until a few days ago, we'd basically been rupture-free, maybe a couple minor conflicts, but nothing to make me wonder about leaving.
However, this particular conflict (unsure if it qualifies as "rupture" or not, but I suppose if it made me seek out other T's...then maybe?) felt similar to ones we've had in the past. So maybe we haven't truly repaired as much as I thought we had?
I'd also wondered at times if we had been getting along/working together so well *because* I was avoiding certain topics. Like "as long as I don't bring any sort of transference, things will be fine" (as one of multiple examples). Which I don't think is particularly good for a therapeutic relationship...or ANY relationship really. I mean, OK, maybe in some cases, it's like "Well, I know I can't discuss politics with Aunt Chrissy," but that's sort of different.
And I did try to bring this up with Dr. T a few months ago. He seemed to think it was that we both just understood each other more and respected each other's boundaries. Which he saw as a good thing and something that happens in any relationship.
But I guess I feel like, in a therapy relationship, I should theoretically be able to talk about whatever. i realized looking back on yesterday's session that I was sort of walking on eggshells at times, wanting to use certain word to describe my reaction to him or how he seemed to me (such as "cold") but being concerned about how he'd react, like not wanting to hurt his feelings and/or have him get defensive. And I feel like that's not a good dynamic. (I did end up using "cold" incidentally.)
I wonder at times if I'm reenacting something, like if he represents my parents and what I wasn't getting from them. And so then any little thing I get from him feels like a reward almost? Yet he seems unwilling to talk about the child part...
But I think there's also something to be gained from learning to accept care from someone who doesn't meet all my needs, from seeing that care can come in different forms, not just exactly as I want it (because that extends to things like my H, friends, family, etc.).
But then...is there a limit to how helpful that is? So, I've learned that lesson. Is it time to move on to something else?
And yeah, it does seem like he wants me to be a different client, rather than just accepting me as I am. Something we discussed Thursday and Friday was my saying how he said he shouldn't be in the role of the person I reach out to when I'm, say, feeling scared, like with the doctor's appointment. But I said, "But what if you already are in that role for me?" And he didn't seem to fully understand. I even said how people on here said it seemed totally natural that he'd be who I'd want to reach out to. And he seemed unsure what to say to that.
It's like he doesn't want me to be dependent on him, but then does things that sort of foster my dependence. Then will act like I'm doing something wrong by being dependent. Which leads to shame in me. And then he wonders why I feel shame about that? Even as I've explained it before...
Maybe we have just come as far as we can together, I don't know...he's helped me in many ways, but there are other things I still need help with, and I don't know if he's capable and/or willing to go there (or to obtain the knowledge he needs to go there).