''We all love you''..... they have never applied to me. I am not sure why. I don't think they have ever been said to me by anyone (at least they didn't lie.... maybe they ''saw'' something I did not, like my parents ''saw'' something wrong and even ''bad'' about me that I did not...) I could write an essay on my childhood and beyond. I could describe different people who shunned me. I could say more about me. I am not sure there is much point. (the professionals told me there is no point in talking...this still stands with them).. I thought of contacting a private shrink a little while ago (zoom or something).... I have thought of contacting another therapist. I think they would also reject me as ''faulty'' ... (as two shrinks and two therapists did)..If I am to ''improve'' (if I am to be a ''better person'' (father always said I should be a better person - he did not give any ideas except for something I do not want to post, it involved pocket money and what to spend it on).. I need to find another path. (I'm also allergic to all the SSRI's I have tried, an SNRI and seroquel) (I did take paxil for a while as mentioned in another post, then something scary happened and one of the results of this was I was then allergic to the Paxil when I tried to start it again..I already had severe allergies to multiple substance - these allergies started when the parents dropped a bombshell on me...

Tonight Papa bear and I had a difficult conversation. We were having supper and chatting about something (I think he was asking me some questions about geography)... the conversation drifted onto my parents and also his parents and family. It drifted via a question I asked about one of his nephews. It did not stay on that topic for long...but long enough for me to (unintentionally) make him feel bad. We do not agree on everything. He hates any disagreement or conflict. (even minor).. It majorly stresses him out. Everyone who meets Papa bear like him. Most people judge me (labels etc) .....(I had thought this might change but no, there must really be something ****ed up about me ) My family (and his family) have told me I am not good enough for him. I know, I know I am not sure if I can change this. That ''people will wonder what he sees in me'' (my mothers words and his mother agreed This was when we invited them all to our house a while ago...

(family of origin - VERY concerned about appearances. Major major lies and cover ups... They were trying to ''protect me''...(until I was ''old enough to be told to leave the nest''....(age 19... they had hoped I would leave permanently before, (nursing school etc) I failed them.) If I had been ''normal'' I would not have disappointed them so much..

I feel like deleting this. Maybe it's just a whine (and boring too). Maybe they will find me and .... This is why I don't often give many details.... (I did tell one friend that I sometimes change minor details slightly such as time scales for privacy, this person said they do the same. I do not give my age for that reason)..

It is not easy to write all this stuff...Thanks to anyone who made it this far.