I can see that. I think maybe it is like parenting in some ways. There are times when my kid needs me and I would prefer that she didn't (when I am sound asleep certainly springs to mind!), so I suppose putting my needs aside to tend to her is a bit of a chore in that moment. But there are other times when I want to help her because I know a small amount of attention will have a huge impact for her, and those types of interactions often feel good to me too. For example, the other night my kid was in bed and I was relaxing in the other room, and I could hear her coughing and grumbling and then start to cry a little. I think she would have probably gone back to sleep on her own (because we do encourage developmentally appropriate self-soothing), but I went into her room and picked her up because I knew some cuddles would have a big impact while she was sick and miserable. And I was right.

I went into parenthood knowing that there would be times when I had to do things I didn't want to do, and I did it anyway because the pros outweighed the cons for me. I think therapists who allow outside contact within thoughtful boundaries and limits are kind of the same way. If it was a huge annoying burden to them, they just wouldn't do it.

I do think one difference is the message that the therapist sends. I am under no illusions that my T is always waiting for my call and feels absolutely thrilled with our interaction afterward (thinking especially of times when I was particularly angry with her!). I have no way of knowing when she's busy or tired or if it's a particularly bad time, much like my kid didn't know whether I was idly relaxing or busy or asleep the other night. But one of my deep-seated issues is thinking my needs are incredibly unreasonable and make me unlovable, so it wouldn't really be helpful for my T to share those times when it was a bit of a chore. That would probably be a very different story if I felt as though I were entitled to whatever I wanted from whoever whenever. (Same thing with my kid: I weigh her needs and my needs and try to do justice to us both, but figuring out that balance is my job and not hers.)

I think I just like having some sort of outside contact or the ability to schedule an extra session. I guess it's just I'm used to having the outside contact for the last like 7 years (didn't really email ex-T till a couple years in), so would be hard to go cold turkey. Especially if it went from 3 sessions a week and outside contact to 1 session a week and no outside contact. it's like I'd want to be able to wean down. I can just have trouble sitting with feelings, and I know that's a skill I need to work on. But it's also easier (in the case of a difficult or upsetting session) if I know I'm having another session in 2 days vs. in 6 days.


I think the T I'm supposed to meet with Wednesdays does have the option of longer sessions (listed on website--60 or 90 minutes), so depending on his schedule, that could be a possibility and could be easier for me as a transition if it had to be once a week.

I suppose you're right, that the best thing ultimately for me would be no outside contact at all. But again, I think cold turkey would be extremely hard, especially when I'm struggling more than usual due to the pandemic (with fewer outside support/coping options).