Quote:
Originally Posted by Snap66
I don't understand how a person can have constant issues with everyone they meet, yet cannot see that it's not the other person. I can accept if they have issue with a few people...but with everyone they meet is a bit much to swallow.
Its like The boy who cried wolf.
If I wrote the same thing over and over again- constantly blaming- never taking responsibility for your actions I would be self conscience of what people thought... and worried that I would be showing a pattern of behaviour that others could see, and make judgement- right or wrong.
This seems to be the furthest from their thinking. Which I has me asking this question.
I have AvPD so I tend to take responsibility for everything I say and do and look at everything under a microscope...so when I see a person constantly blaming others always having the same issues time and time again it confuses me to why they cant see it and to their way of thinking?
Sorry about the long post, trying to explain myself can be a difficult sometimes when trying to be sensitive to others.
|
I understand, people who lack awareness of their own impact on their circumstances/situations are very challenging to interact with. What I try to remember is that there is something, whether it's a disorder or cognitive distortion or simple lack of emotional development, that's behind it. In many instances there is a narcissistic injury behind that behavior, where the person's identity is SO dependent upon their ability to be right about things, to be wrong or to have agency in a matter would actually cause them to destabilize.
I honestly don't think it's intentional that some people do this; I really think it's a protective mechanism, and it's very hard to change. Often, people who are like this, their identity is so dependent on outside factors and outside/external assessments, that any criticism or inkling that they had some responsibility in their situation threatens their identity. They aren't strong enough to be wrong (so to speak as it's not about right or wrong) and believe they are a good person even though they made a mistake. There seems to be an internal value judgment that if they've made a mistake then they are at fault or a bad person versus simply that there is not good or bad to it: they made a mistake and there was a result. It simply is what it is, but not good or bad.
So when presented with people who constantly blame others, I try to have empathy for why they behave this way, and I also limit my contact with them because they can be difficult to interact with as well. But I've definitely met people who behaved like this at one point, realized they were doing it, and were able to change their behavior. It's not an impossible thought process to change.
In the peer support groups through NAMI that I'm involved with and other advocacy work, it's not uncommon to run into people who know something is wrong in their lives but are not in the stage of readiness to look at any place for change within themselves, it all must be external at this point. People will change when they're ready, and some will never be ready. It's not our job as peer support to force change, just to support it when someone is ready to.