I think we're all vulnerable to this. Even people with a "clean bill of health", so to speak, are going to have awful days and get really stressed and overreact to negative stimuli. I don't want to undermine your questioning in any way, but I think there really isn't an objective answer in terms of whose problems are creating the relationship problem.
From what you have said in other posts, I think it's really clear that the drama isn't imagined, and I'm sorry again if this is blunt, but reading your post reminds me of the way I would question myself when I was being gaslighted.
I don't believe you should ever feel like you are the problem in a relationship. It takes two, and I believe that your nervous system is trying to make you safe in the best way it knows how.
I know about keeping the chaos going, and I bet it is hard for you to get to sleep. Stress separates us from our emotional and physical pain, and it hurts like hell to reconnect with it.
Basically, I think that the warzone is pretty real.
I'm wondering, do you have a picture, or ideas of what a peaceful marriage would involve for the two of you?
I think I remember you saying that you have had good stretches, or something similar?
Do you think you were communicating better at some points, or more just quietly keeping the peace?
I think it's a great point about habit forming. I think that learning to make healthy ultimatums is a great tool also eg. If such and such happens then I will do such and such.
If you are clear about what you personally have to do to make yourself feel safe, then it is up to the other person to either respect that boundary, or knowingly make you feel unsafe.