Glad that made sense.

How do I tell the difference between overreactions and good reactions? I take note of how my partner takes my reactions. If over a period of time she reacts badly to them, i.e. feels more emotionally oppressed or confused by them, I force myself to consider

a) what the situation is that I'm reacting to specifically and in detail, and

b) what does it look like when a "sane" person reacts to similar scenarios? Also, what does my unemotional logical side say about it? Then

c) would it make sense for me to turn that new way of reacting into a habit? If yes, then

d) I tell my partner how I intend to act in future scenarios, but remind her that the growth of the new habit will not be perfect, but as stated in my earlier post, I am committed to winning the battle against distortions born of hyper-vigilance.

That's basically the process, developed in the field and therapist approved!

And just to reinforce something vital: if you can get your wife to collaborate on every step of the process while keeping in mind that it comes down to your own ability to think and form new habits, I have found it very useful.

Best wishes. Hyper vigilance and distorted thinking of any kind really sucks. Luckily our brains are malleable, a trait that works both ways.

EDIT: I should also mention that for some, it seems counterintuitive to form a habit before changing the underlying thinking, but I have actually found that creating a positive habit of action eventually causes you to think more positively (malleable brain and all that).