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*Beth* · Oct 12, 2020, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur

To elaborate a little more, I relate to most of what people have written here. Sometimes I think maybe it's some kind of unifying factor between my manic and depressive episodes. I get "stuck" on things in either state. Or maybe it's just that there's a manic component to my depression, I don't know.

In a euphoric mania the thoughts are more likely to revolve around something I find beautiful to an obsessive extent, or around ideas, creative projects, or manically collecting or buying things. I'm unable to let those thoughts go but at that moment I don't mind because I don't want to let them go.

In a dysphoric mania or a depression the thoughts are usually really dark and they're almost like some kind of external entity that's invading my mind to torture me. I feel like it's more than ruminating somehow, but I don't really know what to call it. It just won't let me go. It often feels like there's a crowd of people screaming things at me that I don't want to hear and I just want to curl up on the floor and make it stop, but I can't. Sometimes it gets so intense that I completely lose track of the world around me and I'm just stuck in my head.

There are a number of very painful and dark thought patterns and themes that have been whirling around in my head like that almost 24/7 since the beginning of this year, I'm not kidding. They're still the same ones as at the beginning of the year and they never seem to reach any conclusion, just reiterate the same pain and fears and obsessions over and over and over. Sometimes it's enough to make me want to scream at those thoughts to get out of my head. I can't even make it stop at night. It just keeps going on relentlessly and keeps me from sleeping or thinking straight.

I don't know if this is a typical depressive thing. I don't know if I'm currently "just" depressed or in a mixed state, but this is how it's been all this year. I know it might sound a bit like I'm psychotic, but I don't think I am because I know the thoughts are my own even if it feels like they're forced upon me by some entity.

You've described that state of being so well. I don't think it's exactly psychotic, but I can't say for sure. There might sometimes be an aspect of psychosis to it. And I agree...the word "rumination" sounds weak, but I don't know of a stronger word to describe it. Being on a carousel is a good way to describe the sensation, I think.

I'm not positive, but I don't think the problem is part of depression, although I know that people with depression do ruminate. But I think with depression, it's generally involved with unwarranted guilt, shame, and generally bad and self-damning thoughts.

This thing is more energized (for me, anyway). I would be inclined to refer to it as an aspect of dysphoric mania (if it's a negative) or just plain mania (if it's a "positive"). As far as a mixed state, I'd say Yes to that.