As you can see from my widget, I've cut today. Actually about half an hour ago. I've been working on a lot of issues lately and I think it just came to a halt when our neighbor called.

You see when I was 4 my neighbor's son (he's 6 years older than me) molested me. I believe it was just that curiosity thing. It was not violent or forced in any way at all. Up until I was 11 or so, I played baseball and hung out with this guy. But then I found out it was wrong so I started hating him. Why? Because that's what you're supposed to do when someone does something like that.

Now I just have come to the realization that I don't hate him...that I should quit hating him just because someone said I'm supposed to. So I've had a change of heart and have forgiven him...

Well I messaged him on Myspace just to say hi and that I was bored. Then his mom called today to talk to my dad but he wasn't home. She said she'd call tomorrow. So now I'm so scared...I'm afraid that maybe I did something really bad. But all I did was say hi...there's no harm in that, right?

I don't know what my neighbor's mom wanted...but I keep thinking it's about me...and just all this paranoia and frustration has me panicky and everything...so I cut. Not once...but 6 times.

I don't ever cut deep...just enough to feel it. Sometimes it doesn't even bleed...but I do it really slowly and perfectly straight. It's not about dying to me...but calming down...I just needed to calm down.