I’ve been seeing T in his office for close to four years now. His office was located in a really nice area that, over time, I came to associate with him. It was a sort of ritual, going to this place a while before my session, walking around, sitting in the same coffee shop etc. Even the bus stop I got off at was comforting. Maybe this is a bit ridiculous, but not really having grown up with a “safe space” this was a big deal to me.

Then covid came and we switched to video therapy. I was fine with it to begin with because I thought it was temporary and a bit interesting. But then weeks turned into months and the first wave turned into the second wave...and now I hate video therapy because it feels long term (my angst convinces me it’s permanent). I know things will go back to normal with T (face to face) but I don’t know when that will be and it’s hard to be hopeful that I’ll see him properly anytime soon.

But then he also told me that he’s not planning on returning to the office I’ve been seeing him at. Safe space gone overnight, just like that. I have a horrible feeling in my stomach every time I think of that place, that cafe, that walk. I can’t stand it, it makes me want to scream. It wakes me up at night, I get panicky feelings and I can’t even look at old photos of it. I feel like I’ve lost it without even knowing it was being taken away from me. I can’t recreate that feeling of safety in my house, so I feel like I’m struggling to hold on to T.

I don’t mind seeing him at the other office (I’ve been there a few times so at least it’s familiar). I know that I’ll be able to recreate that feeling of safety there and that I’ll grow to love it. But because I don’t know when that will happen, it feels like that feeling of having a safe space is “floating” away from me, like it’s out of my reach somehow. I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold on to. I know that therapy is supposed to teach you how to find that safe space within yourself and hold on to it, but m not there yet. This video therapy disruption set me back in that respect.

It feels like I’ve lost something dear to me in a very blindsided way and I’m grieving which makes this angst a million times worse. I keep trying to remind myself that I’d rather lose that physical space than T, that I’ll be able to have that feeling of safety again when we resume face to face in this other office. That it will be okay in the end. I just don’t know how to hold on to this “it will be ok in the end” feeling. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know how to hold on to myself anymore.