It's a repeat of two years ago, all over again, only this time I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING and I know I need to stop it and I just keep doing it!!

Lying at work. Calling in sick and faking a huge illness that doesn't exist. Forcing my coworkers to pick up the pieces. Not good.

Spending entire days online.

Suicidal thoughts. Even trying to think up ways to get my life insurance to still pay because I feel guilty leaving my daughter alone without any money. But I don't seem to care about leaving her without a mother.

I called my therapist and left a message but he hasn't called me back yet. We have an appointment tomorrow, maybe he's just waiting till then. I thought I made it sound urgent but I don't know.

I also called my psych nurse, we've been trying to get my prescription figured out. She's busy all day seeing patients and barely has time to call for 5 mins.

I drove to the hospital today, sat in the parking lot in my car for maybe 2 or 3 hours. Just sat there. Read the driver's manual (need an OR license). Called about my speeding tickets. But just sat there, in my car. Didn't go in. I knew they couldn't do anything for me anyway. So why did I drive there.

Told my boss that I fainted on my lunch break and I was at the doctor's. In my head I was starting to think up ways I could explain all my crap away. Even thought of telling them all that I had a miscarriage, just to get a ton of sympathy at work. They all think I'm pregnant since I've been gaining so much weight (from binging...)

STOP THIS!! What the hell am I doing. I could ruin my entire life. We risked everything to move to this town. If Iose this job we are royally screwed. Unemployment in this town is 10%, and there is NOTHING in my field. My husband would kill me if he found out everything I've been doing.

It's like I'm leading a double life. There's the "me" that everyone sees, the hard-working employee, loving mother, good wife. Then there is a flip side of me that does all this crazy stuff. Sabotaging my job, my marriage, my weight, my life.

Just make it STOP!!