I didn't find a better forum section for this...

So... I'm female, 37, have had serious issues with mental/psychological health since age 28, but basically I've had a partner for 13 years and I'm having a big issue with him not supporting me. This got long, thanks so much for anyone reading this!!


Backstory first... I got together with my partner (he's 31 now, yes younger than me) basically 13 years ago. I was 24 then. I was his first girlfriend ever actually. After 1.5 years of being together, I moved into a condo as I was doing well financially back then, and I let him live with me (he moved countries to be with me). He did do well financially too but I didn't ask him to pay for rent.

Then it wasn't working too well for me living with him, I was very neglected, already getting very numbed out and shut down living with him and I wanted to break up for a long time. When I finally did at 28, is when I got unstable and when my mental illness started. But when living on my own I was stable afterwards though not recovered to fully healthy. But 2 months later he manipulated me to get me back eventually. It was nothing too dark but it was manipulation and I have not trusted him fully since then. He manipulated me into letting him live with me in my condo again. After I let him come back I had a near psychotic break, I had a complete nervous breakdown. He once woke up, took a look at me, said "you're crazy" and went back to sleep. Then I ran to the hospital from that because I was so upset. I left the same evening though to see him, when I came back he was nice to me again and actually even supportive, and then I somehow recovered from all that.

But the next year, 1 year later I had another nervous breakdown losing contact with reality due to him and he called the ambulance and it was all horrible (not going into the details). I never wanted to be close to him after that again because when I recovered in the hospital I realised he had displayed 0 empathy during all of this. That's how I was for years before I was able to have feelings again about him years later.

Anyway fast forward, I've been recovering from all that for years, I still have leftover problems from it and I used up my savings I had from when I'd still been able to work and when I'd still done well financially. Meanwhile, he also went to the USA for a while to work there (I'm in a different country) so we didn't live together for 1-1.5 years. But then we lived together on/off again. We lived together 24/7 for 5 years and on/off the rest of the time. ... Overall, 5 years later I got so well that I broke up with him again and I was without him for almost 1 year. He didn't try to manipulate me back this time. He did have a hard time believing we are actually breaking up but no manipulation. He cried actually and then later just said he would like to stay friends and would accept me back if I wanted to be with him again. He even wanted to marry me too btw but didn't push that too hard (did buy me a ring a long time ago)...



Anyway after I broke up with him, I got so well that I even finished my Msc thesis and started working again though initially it wasn't full time. This was 3 years ago. I was not mentally fully recovered but I was doing almost okayish. My thesis got the best mark too.

Then soon something bad happened, this part wasn't about him, but trauma happened to me that rendered me nearly unable to survive for the last 3 years... I got back together with him again soon, don't ask why. He no longer lives in my condo at least. We live in different cities rightnow and covid makes it hard to meet rightnow. Well in theory we could still meet if I accept being quarantined for 2 weeks, but I can't travel to him because I'm struggling to literally survive trying to work and I'm literally unable to do anything else due to my mental health issues, the old leftover issues and the new trauma. It's a horrible life as it is now and it's been for years.


But the point is that I've been having these issues, and earlier this year, he loaned to me a sum that's equal to about 25000 USD that I wanted to invest so I can eventually have a tiny little financial security (obviously this isn't much but something so I can have something to eat at least). He asked for an interest rate like a bank etc. He said it has to be more than what he gets as savings in the bank. Something like 4% at least. I said ok because I really wanted the loan. ...

More past background here: He did give me a similar amount of loan back then more than 10 years ago when I was still doing well and moved into my condo. He helped me with that old loan. I paid back that loan to him in half a year!!!! I was doing so well back then. We did sign a contract back then and I never read it fully, only later....it turned out it had unfavourable terms for me but it doesn't matter because I quickly paid him back in full.

Also I was stupid enough originally because I had my money in his bank account and when I finally recovered enough to at least ask for my money back years after the hospital episode, whatever was left of my savings still, he refused to believe me that I have much savings even or that it was that much. He refused to give me more than about 60% of it. (Long story, much later I managed to get the rest from him but it was a horrible fight. Never had a fight as horrible as that before.)


He has a lot of money by now, he has well over 3 million USD (!!!!) in assets, stocks etc and works for a prestigious company too that's in the top 10 for Forbes, etc etc etc. When we got together 13 years ago he was penniless. So was I until I started working back then that was a great business for a while but I no longer have savings from that because I used them up when I stayed together with him and struggling with my mental illness. He never gave me any of his money and I never asked. I never asked him for rent when he lived in my condo. But yeah he's got alot of money now.

So with the current loan I did not get as far as even starting to pay him back yet. Then eventually I realised I can't pay him back without wrecking my own mental and even physical health more. I cannot see how I will recover in the near future. So I asked him to just be "charitable" and let go of that loan... I asked him like 2 months ago, we have not got anywhere with it yet.

I know that the horrible fight where the issue was that years before I did not get all my original savings back from him, it ended by me realising he was probably feeling attacked when I started by bringing up how he did not give me some of my money before. So I showed empathy because I could feel for him at that point. He was half asleep by then in bed and said nothing. But a week later or so I asked again and he was fine and let me have my remaining savings. We wrote up some paper about that fine, good.



As for the current loan I got from him this spring this year, it was also horribly hard to have him give a loan even with market terms like 4% interest rate or whatever. We never made a contract for some reason he didn't get to it like he did in the past... So I don't even know what the interest rate is, but I think something like that. There is no written contract, no specific terms agreed upon even verbally, nothing, there is proof only that he sent me bank wire transfers labelled as "loan".

Basically I convinced him to give me the loan when he went on "this is for you to buy an asset so why should you have this loan". And I was like, "you have so many more assets than I do". And then he instantly relented. Saw the rationality of it all or something and he gave me the loan.

So now he is obviously extremely tight with money and hates supporting anyone financially, even when that's the love of his life supposedly (me), but he can respond sometimes to empathy or to rational reasoning, but since I asked him to just let me have the current loan without paying him back, he hasn't been responsive to this request at all.



I cannot find empathy for his pov here like I could in that old horrible argument, as the inequality is so big between us. I have been with him for over a decade, I supported him with love and just by being there with him while my own mental health just got worse from all that. I never even asked him to pay rent for 5 years living together in my condo!!!! I do not want to depend on him financially or have to ask him for everyday money things. He has over 3 million USD in assets and has a high income, obviously at least like 150000 USD a year plus I think stock options. I'm not sure his earnings exactly, but with the previous company he had an initial salary of over 140000 USD salary (in pounds, he's in London) plus stock options 3.5 years ago, then he obviously got some salary increase later. And he earns more at the new company so all in all it has to be definitely over 150000, the average salary for this top forbes company is around 200000 I think. And so on...

But he wants to earn market level interest rate off me with a 25000 USD loan. He said nothing to the fact about how I'm NOT doing well mentally and even physically struggling by now. I want to keep working at least part time even if I was given this money "free" to invest it. It just would make my life easier if he helped me out with this, then part time work would not be so stressful and I could maybe finally fully recover in a few years or something like that. And also, I absolutely do NOT want to be financially dependent on him like be humiliated into having to beg him for money for food or something if I can't work and have enough income. I know how hard it would be to ask him for small money even. I never used his money, I always supported myself financially before until now but I know how he is with money for everyday things, he doesn't like to spend at all except if he feels like it (sometimes with food).

So yeah I just don't have empathy. Rational reasoning didn't work so far either. He just remains silent and says nothing and hopes I'll just drop the topic or something.



Thoughts? On this whole situation. What do you think of him and what would your suggestion be?

Please don't just suggest leaving him. That's not really my plan here. I'm unable to have a relationship with anyone else anyway really, I'm not in that condition. He is at least like family except for this horrible attitude I described.




PS: I put all sums in USD because I assume most people here are American. But it's really GBP (pounds) based in actuality while I am currently in Hungary.