I've been having an absolutely awful time. Some weeks ago my T was rushed into hospital for an emergency procedure. There were several complications afterwards but she's now back home. I honestly didn't think she would make it and I was gearing myself up to lose her. All that mattered was that she would be okay. I'm massively relieved that she's now home although she's very weak and unwell and I have no idea when or even if therapy will resume.

I feel guilty because I feel utterly dreadful despite knowing she's home and likely to recover in time. I've hidden all my feelings from her - she has been in limited contact with me throughout - but obviously I've not said how frightened I was and how badly I've been struggling. When I heard she was home I just said to focus on herself and not worry about me. But I really feel awful. All the fears of losing her have come to the surface plus a really bad depression.

I've arranged to see another T this week and I'm not even sure if it's the right thing to do. I'm scared the T won't like the situation either because I'm still technically in therapy with another T. I don't want to replace T, it's just that I don't feel I'm coping and I have no idea when I'll see my regular T again.

I'm just so sad. I don't know why because T should eventually recover but I feel so devastated by it all