OK if anyone still remembers this lol idk.. ...... Then the answer to what all this was - it was a suicidal state.

And I had it because I got more emotional than usual, because I tried a BCP (yes birth control pill). Those often make me too emotional.

But of course, it was good for showing me what bad emotions I have underneath the detachment and my trying to find constructive solutions by default.

Rereading some posts, I had to laugh at the one that mentioned I seem to have many ANTs / automatic negative thoughts.

Yeah the BCP made them conscious and allowed them verbalisation. I repress that side by default and I find ANTs ridiculous by default.

But yeah well it showed me how suicidal and low on resources I was underneath trying to intellectualise away everything by default.

I still am low on resources...but not suicidal usually except when under severe enough stress which does happen

...

I am also seemingly still in the same bad place. I am still just, sleep, eat, try to work, failing to do so, stress, stress, stress, pressure increasing, I lose sleep, trying to work and not sleeping, then bad emotions come out, I try to process them to feel positivity finally, then I rest from the strain of all that, and then I'm able to start working. Then I catch up on lost sleep then cycle restarts.

No time to go outside, to do anything fun, I lost all friends, that friend too that I spoke of in the thread earlier. Etc

Well that's that. The one thing where I have progress is I have more emotions by default now. Too many tbh even without BCP, idk if it's entirely progress lol... My only hope is that it is

(Hey my emotions are close enough to the surface / to awareness now that I could feel myself protest to how I said I find ANTs ridiculous. Invalidating myself, ha.)