Hi,

I sent this email to T at 9.31pm. Can you just read it and let me know what you think. Thanks! T has replied to one of my emails at 9.27pm before, so didn't feel bad about time of sending email. Can you just read email and tell me if it makes sense/is OK please? Thanks!

Also there is a typo in the sixth paragraph. I meant to put, 'I would/will never' etc not 'would/will never. Do you think she'll know what I mean and that I am still referring to myself. Don't want to have to send her another copy!

Here is Email:

Hi T,

Sorry for the email! You can answer this tonight, tomorrow or Thursday, whenever is convenient for you!

Further to Hudson's trip to the out of hours vet on Thursday 8th November, in the late evening regarding his sickness and mouth sore, I took him to my own vet at 4.15pm today. He has to have an emergency operation at my vets on Friday to rule out cancer and other concerns.

I am dropping Hudson off at 8.45am, so will still be fine to see you at 10am. However, I am emailing because the vet has asked me to keep my phone on throughout the day, so I would never normally ask this and I am sorry to be such a pain, but please can I keep my mobile phone on loud during our appointment? Thank You!

It is unlikely to go off, but the vet has stipulated he needs to be able to get hold of me if there are any problems.

Also, I would never normally do this by email but as I am having to email you anyway, I just feel the need to reassure you of something and clarify something with you. It is easier to do it as a one off in writing.

Prior to Brian's passing on the 2nd of last month, as you know, he and I were inseparable. He rang me multiple times a day and although I never told him very much, he asked me every single day without fail how I was and what I felt if anything. I always said I was fine. He would ask me these questions several times a day.

This pattern continued for just over a decade and we saw each other very regularly. Brian knew me better than anyone, he never gave up on me and he told me he would continue to ask me the same questions daily for 40 years if that's what it took for me to be able to tell him things about my feelings and everything else etc etc!!

As I told you on Monday, when I was at Brian's bedside in early August, he did indeed say to me that he thought I had felt as if I should not be in this world sometimes. At that point, I held Brian's hand and told him that I did feel like a pain and a burden and that I will always feel like that, I think.

However, I told Brian that would/will NEVER self-harm or worse because I am not like that. I told him that I was not going anywhere and that I would be too busy trying to make him proud and looking after his wife Jan for life and looking after anyone else who needed my attention for life, such as Mark the wife of my friend Tash to ever be worrying about myself or doing anything silly like that! Tash died in February of this year.

The above will always be the case!!!

Just wanted to clarify and explain that to you in case you were worried on Monday when I told you about those conversations with Brian.

The last thing I want to do is worry you or burden you unnecessarily! I have so much more to tell you about in our appointments during the following weeks, months, and years, but I will get there slowly.

I look forward to hearing from you whenever suits you!

Regards,

Hannah.