We are in the beginnings of working out separation/divorce. This is unfortunately the 2nd for both of us. My husband is truly unhappy in life, with who he is, his position in the world, etc. IMO it's a weird version of a midlife crisis and I am stuck in the middle of it. He has a 16 year old son with split 50/50 custody whom I have been involved with since he was 3 and have actively raised since he was around 5. My observations with children of divorce is that it would be much easier if mom & dad can be in the same room without any animosity. I think that couples who divorce with kids should go to counseling to get a couple of tools to use to communicate with each other as they co-parent. My husband and his ex are terrible co-parents. If there is an emergency - they are great. But for all the small stuff. They are really terrible. Neither treats the other with respect and I have spent much of the last 12 years helping navigate the situation because my husband has so little patience with her. And she with him. Guess what? The kid feels that. He literally has two separate lives with no cross over beyond his school functions we are both at. We sit in separate sections, we barely speak. I SPEAK. But once I am not there, it will go back to ignoring. It was my hope that by the time we got to HS, that we would all be able to be in the same room with no issues - like for graduations or what about when they take him to college - weddings in the future, etc. That didn't happen. I say that because now that my husband wants a divorce, my biggest concern is showing the child that his father and I can be in the same room if I have any hope as seeing him as the years go on. It can't be like his mom & dad are. And despite his father being very odd right now, I still love him and am learning to accept this new normal. I am devastated that my future is being blown apart but I will survive.

Another thing I want to share is that as I look at the future, I have tearfully talked to some of my friends about it - I dread telling my stepson. I love him and am afraid I will lose him for good. And I think he may be mad his dad, which I don't want either as I have spent so much of my time cultivating that relationship over the years. It feels like a no-win situation to me. One of my friends in particularly who has been through some pretty big drama, has three boys, 14-17. He said that when a lot of things came out, he was shocked at how much his kids already knew. We haven't told the 16 year old yet and have no plans to until 2021, but chances are when we do, he will not be surprised. While we don't fight (mostly haha), the level of laughter has gone down, the touching, etc. His dad is moody and quiet and I try to lighten the mood. He will already know. Kids are smart and resilient. So IMHO as long as you and your husband work to make sure that you son never feels like he has to choose between you than you will be fine. I know all of our first reactions are "I would never do that" - that is my husband's reaction and my SSs mom. But they don't understand and do it often. Think of a soccer field, both parents are there, son came with the one he is staying with that weekend but wants to go talk to the other one, but doesn't want the one he is staying with to be upset and now as he does talk to the other one, the one he is staying with comes up and now it's an awkward mix of adults that aren't really speaking with this poor kid in the middle. It doesn't have to be that way. You were married - try very hard to figure out how to be friends. Not buddies - just baseline, cordial, comfortable friends who happen to be co-parenting. It will be so hard. I know this. Good luck.