I kind of want to fold in on myself. I am enraged at my mother for no logical reason. She has every right to cry and be upset, her FATHER just died. But I do not want to talk to her or have anything to do with her right now. My purely emotional reason is that I am absolutely exhausted with her emotional instability. In this case she has a reason, and I suppose for my whole life she had some reason or another, but she never tried to get help so I hate seeing her upset because it just triggers all those feelings of helplessness I had as a kid/teen. It just makes me angry now.

I feel like a stone hearted ***** because this is the way I feel about every emotional person especially surrounding death. Like my SIL still cries about my late husband (her brother) and I can’t STAND it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I feel like she’s weak for allowing her emotions to swallow her up. I guess because I was never allowed to express my emotions for fear of upsetting my mother so it’s unnatural to me. And drives me crazy.

My brother is in therapy now and getting better so I respect his emotions more now because he’s trying to help himself out. And my grandmother...I am devastated for her. She really never shows emotion at all about anything. I remember her crying at my dads funeral, and probably my late husband’s though I was so distraught I can’t remember clearly. But other than that, nothing. This must be killing her, and I want to be there FOR HER, no one else. She deserves it more than anyone else in the family. She is my best friend, she took care of me when my mom couldn’t, she took me into her home when my mom and I couldn’t get along.

I suppose I could text my therapist to see if she has some time today or tomorrow but she usually doesn’t, at least not after 5pm. But it’s worth a shot I guess. Otherwise I’ll just see her Tuesday like normal.