My hubby has gotten worse and worse as stress from his job and life in general add up.
He has gotten very verbally abusive towards me, and, to the point of throwing things at the wall or thru the doorway or slamming fists into the desk or temper tantrums in general.
here is the most recent tirade i have had to deal with.
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I am sick and tired of you using me
i am sick of you de-valuing my hopes, goals, dreams, and what i want
I am sick of you lying to me
I am sick of you treating me like %#@&#!
I am sick of HAVING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU
YESTERDAY YOU AGREED with me to put more money in our "going out" budget. The idea is we would work together and if we can stick to a budget we will go out more and spend more time together having fun together. we AGREED to strictly limit our going out to twice a month until our financials improved (according to the counselor - this is what i want - she is right - i EXPECT YOU TO WORK TO HELP ME ACHIEVE MY GOALS - LIKE I HAVE SACRIFICED FOR YOUR %#@&#! DOGS)
YOU were all gun ho about our new diet. so i jumped on board so we could do it together. I have to %#@&#! beg you to go on a walk with me. people are telling me how i look skinnier. this is because i am not cheating on OUR diet and I am WALKING every day. YOU are always cheating and can't find the time to go on a 35 minute walk with (or without) me. THINK ABOUT HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL
when i came home i found out that YOU violated our diet AND our budget by going out and getting culvers
you did not work yesterday
you do not have to work this morning
but you can not even wait up for me to go on a walk and go grocery shopping together.
these last two things are what have really gotten me thinking tonight and gotten me to see how nothing has really changed
i took your dog sydney walking with me. He growled at me because he did not want to leave you in the bedroom. he growled at me again when i went to take him outside on my walk
how pathetic am i. my %#@&#! ***** wife won't spend time with me or sacrifice for me so i have to take her %#@&#! dog that doesn't like me on a walk
what a %#@&#! loser i have become
you dogs don't even like me - yet i took him with me anyway so i wouldn't be LONELY
this has knocked the %#@&#! out of me at the confidence level. if you haven't noticed then you are stupid, or you don't care, or both. you would love it if i gave up on the things i want and came down to the slower pace you want. but you refuse to acknowledge or care about how that would make me feel
add this all up
you treat me like %#@&#!
your dogs don't like me
my house is a dump
all i do at home is eat or sleep
why do you think this is desirable for me in the least???
do you get that i try to make you feel good about yourself
do you get that you do not do the same thing for me
you are selfish, selfish, selfish and i am sick of it
two nights ago, after i had run my *** off all day, our idea of a fun night was me sitting upstairs drinking and watching movies while you sat downstairs drinking and doing whatever.
don't you see how pathetic that is???
i am so sick of having a stranger in my own house.
i am looking at my calendar and trying to find days to work on the house. I just realized I WILL BE WORKING MY *** OFF to fix up the house and I bet $$$ you won't be much help
i love you and i think you love me BUT we do NOTHING TOGETHER. I try to fix that and you won't play along
the love is not enough anymore. the hurt that comes with it is too much baggage to take
it has gotten to a point where i want to stop loving you because we are obviously headed towards a divorce and it would be a lot easier if i didn't love you anymore
i keep thinking about things the counselor said. and i have decided you are full of %#@&#!
you said i wanted this litter of puppies.
YOU wanted your breeding program. then, when we need the money the most YOU want to stop working? it makes no sense. we spent thousands then you want to stop just before you taste some success from a successful liter? Yes i pointed this out to you but now somehow this litter is my idea. it is your program. this is an excuse. if i wanted this liter how come YOU kept a female out of this liter for future breedings? Who supported you when you said you wanted to keep the female. I SUPPORT YOU IN WHAT YOU WANT BUT YOU KEEP FALLING SHORT IN SUPPORTING ME. "i was too busy with the liter to go faster at the medical transcription." that is why you are now pinning the liter on me.
I am sick of it all being my fault. i figured out i make a lot more money than you EVERY YEAR. I work a lot more hours than you EVERY YEAR. I do way more for you than you do for me EVERY YEAR. I AM SICK OF YOU MAKING EVERYTHING MY FAULT.
you take zero personal responsibility
you don't ever admit you could have worked harder, done more, or gone the extra mile, or accomplished it if you really wanted to
i always take a back seat on your list of priorities. if that is not true you don't know how to show it. If i have to tell you how then it isn't genuine and it doesn't matter anymore.
if you care about me and what i want you need to learn how to show it, because i am sick of you not appreciating me
you show appreciation in what you do NOT what you say. you can not tell me you appreciate me. you have done this for 9 years and not backed it up with action
you want to buy me stuff to show appreciation. the %#@&#! you want to buy me is cheap %#@&#! i don't want. it goes against MY goals of financial independence. plus you use my money to buy useless %#@&#! i don't want anyway because you income continues to not reach the goals we set together
I have worked damn hard for 9 years now and my work has helped you to make your dog program come true. how hard have you worked for my dreams??? you haven't. i don't care what you say....you haven't
You used me, you continue to use me, and its my fault for letting it happen
you always tell me i am too trusting of a person and people are going to use me. i had no idea it was you i had to look out for
for the longest time i have had to beg you to sleep upstairs with me on my off days.
if you want to sleep downstairs that is ok, go for it
i do not trust you anymore because you continue to lie to me. you say or agree to one thing and do something different. that is lying.
maybe you should stay away from me.
when you are close and nice to me i start to trust you again - then when i think things are going well you lie to me again or hurt me, or do the crap you do
sleep downstairs i don't care anymore - i have had it
how messed up are you that sleeping upstairs with me was ever an issue in the first place
you have never apologized for your %#@&#!, made it better, or gotten over it
i am sick of living like this
i changed my mind IT IS NOT OK FOR YOU TO CLAIM YOU ARE THE VICTIM OF SOME KIND OF ABUSE AND NOT TELL ME WHAT IT IS
that is WRONG
the problem is i don't want to know what happened anymore. i think you are full of %#@&#!
i am sure something happened to you
but i see people EVERY DAY and bad %#@&#! happens to them
get over it
it is no excuse for you to be a %#@&#! person anymore
this is partially my fault for letting you get away with it
YOU have chosen to make it an excuse to hurt people who care about and in general just be a %#@&#! person
you love your dogs. you love them more than you love me. this is because you are incapable of doing it any other way. the dogs are safe. you have never truly let me in - but somehow that is my fault
life is not safe. you are living a %#@&#! life because you refuse to take chances because they are scary
you are dragging me down with you
by the way - what the HELL is the counselor talking about that i have some how hurt you. how dare you
for all the hurt you have caused me, all the stuff i have done for you, yet I hurt YOU?
I HAVE HAD IT
you have used me for 9 years!!!
please show this to the counselor next time you go there
i am so busy working that you will see her 3 times to my one
i changed my mind. i don't want you touching me. that is a symptom. the disease is how you treat me. what you do and don't do. the underlying is that something happened to you and that is your reason to behave the way you do. the counselor wanted you to work on touching and you some how interpreted that into meaning that if you treat me like %#@&#! but give me a nice hug then it is ok. its not ok - you still treat me like %#@&#!.
i don't want to have sex anymore. it adds confusion. we screw and you somehow think everything is ok or i somehow think everything is ok when it is not
every time i think you are serious about working on US you turn around and hurt me
So you know it takes two to tango, and yeah none of us is perfect, but, this man lives thru porno on his puter and thru porno stories, you know, the ones wich start out with a man wronged by the wife or girlfriend, and than, wahh lahh they meet the nympho of their dreams, and all is well in the world.
he is constantly doing the hand job using the excuse that it is good to ward off prostate cancer, and, i have put up with it in good humor.
We are seeing a counselor, me more than he, but she will be gone most of this next month when i need her most as this letter that he wrote me was just recent.
it was cruel and ugly and many statements were totally off base and untrue.
i have done nothing but stand by his side bravely, and supported him in everything he has done, and i mean everything.
can anyone give me some guidance????
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