I am torn. A part of me wants to just divorce him and be alone. And another part of me wants to give him and our marriage a chance.

We just had it out over text just now. He seemed almost like he was backtracking regarding past abuse. I told him his joke last night was mean, and he apologized, but then said maybe we're not ready to move on and make up. I said if that's the case, then I want a formal separation - if you cannot forgive me for the other night, when i've dealt with 18 months of abuse from you and finally cracked, then we need to simply just separate.

So we talked it out and he later tells me he is not backtracking and that he is sorry for his mean comment.

Oh, I just don't know.

Life is SO hard right now and SUCH a challenge. I really did crack under all the pressure and stress. I have to have some compassion for myself and not beat myself up too much.