So sorry you are going through all this, sounds beyond stressful. These are the hardest decisions. Are you able to get any space from your husband, to think things through? Could you stay somewhere else for a while?
I thought this might have helped my marriage, but was told point blank that it was over if I wasn't home every night. Your story about the bank card triggered me a little, as this is something that happened early on in my abusive relationship, and was explained away, but never sat right. I wondered later on how much he had been testing the waters...seeing what he could get away with. Really don't beat yourself up.
As you say, there are red and yellow flags, and it's a big decision, but also, have you considered what things you really DO want, and should expect to have in a marriage? I am sorry to say that it doesn't sound like you're being cherished. It sounds like you're putting an awful lot of work in, and getting little back, other placation and excuses, and if his favours demand reciprocation...then I wouldn't class them as favours, sounds more like coercion. Do correct me if I'm wrong. I am sure he is giving you a million reasons not to leave him, but you don't need a single good reason to stay or leave, and do not have to prove yourself or explain your decision to anyone. It might seem impossible to make a decision, but you are clearly giving this all a good amount of consideration, and whatever you feel you need to do, and decide to do, that's perfectly valid. Sending heaps of hope and well wishes