I am trying desperately to hold it together. I am at work (on my break). I really feel my head exploding right now, trying to act like nothing’s wrong. My chest is very tight. I’m not used to this...it’s so strange to be feeling like this from an external source. I am used to this coming from within my mind. Knowing ok, it will pass, it is not real, it’s my brain trying to trick me.

But this is real. It is not a trick. There’s nothing I can do about it. I feel helpless. I figured I really wouldn’t be that upset because I, of course, am a stone hearted *****. But I guess my heart is not complete stone.

Funeral is Thursday.