My body has been in and out of panic mode for the past two days, and its really bad tonight. I am filled with feeling that I either need to be running or hiding. It manifests itself throughout my body, but mostly around my shoulders and neck.
My body is telling me that everything is wrong. That I should not be here, now. Logically I know that's not true. I have family and friends that love and care about me. I'm still living with my parents in house I've known all my life.

I should probably mention that I was previously diagnosed with C-PTSD. I stopped therapy because I was doing well, and going to therapy just reminded me that there was something wrong with me. Long story short I watched my younger sister of two years die to a genetically recessive (remember punnit squares) terminal illness. Everyone in my family has issues because of it.

Wait, I'm on to something.

Everyday I wake up tired. I wish it was me, the oldest who died. But I didn't. And I know that there's nothing I can do to change it, my existence is a blessing. But dammit. Everything feels wrong. The panic is visceral.

I'll live. It just hasn't been pleasant lately.