@bpcyclist, your words bring tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I can feel your support, and I really appreciate it.

I take my meds faithfully except for a day here and there when I forget. That doesn't happen much though because I end up feeling extremely lethargic and confused. Especially now that I feel so hopeless and need some kind of answer, I'm taking the meds when I should.

It's really hard not to shop because the products bring some satisfaction and fun and it's a distraction from the emotional pain. I'm not making big purchases, just little ones but they do count up. And I am returning lots of stuff that I don't need or really like. There's a sign of some ability to reason now that I'm no longer in the manic phase.

I am safe and alone, thank you. No desire to kill myself. Just a desire for the emotional pain to be over. Luckily I have an appointment with my NP and therapist this week. God do I need their help.

Promiscuity isn't a problem for me. My self esteem is pretty low due to many extra pounds, and I'm too shy to pick up a guy in a bar.

It's so comforting to know that you're there for support and others in different time zones are there. I hope I can support you someday.